Wig appointment!

I am scheduled to have my wig (synthetic, lace-front) installed on Wednesday afternoon. I am so excited and terrified at the same time, lol. I don't have a lot of support for doing it... But, yknow, maybe I should just start emphasizing that it's only for 2 weeks... Not telling them that I know my hair is thinning, and it's bothering me a lot, and it's so incredibly depressing. Supposedly it's "not noticeable." But I see it... I scrutinize what's in the mirror more than anyone else. If there's something I can do that will help to remedy that? Then yes, I want to try it! It's only temporary... So what's the big deal?

Anyway! I'm excited for that, but again, like I said, nervous. I will definitely post a picture afterward.

Lastly, I stopped taking the Wellbutrin. There are just too many minor adverse side effects that have built up that are really ruining any benefit it would have for me. Hopefully they will diminish quickly... Do not want. Dropping and breaking things in stores because my hand twitches and lets go or knocks into something... not my idea of a good time.

More bodily weirdness!!

Since my last post, I went to my psychologist to discuss the sleeping problems, and general increasing depression. She thinks (and I think she's right) that my body/mind are subconsciously shutting me down from stress. I might not be choosing to sleep, but my body and mind are like 'peace out bitches!' and I conk out. That being said, and my mentioning the increasing depression, I have been put on another anti-depressant. The initial one I was put on was more for OCD, but it is used to treat depression as well.

So now I'm up to...*counts...* 5 pills before work, 6 vitamins at work, 2 pills in the evening.

I had called the surgeon's office to see if they had any ideas, and there was nothing amiss on their end. (That's why I went to see my psychologist.) However, I did also need to go back on the Prilosec/Omeprazole. I was getting some significant heartburn every night, so back on that for awhile.. I didn't want to be taking Tums all the time! It's gone for now, so thank goodness.

Anyway, kind of jumping back... yesterday I almost fell asleep at work, on the drive home, and then took a decent nap in the afternoon. Then I felt really weak in the evening. Dave kept elbowing and kneeing me in the night, so I slept really poorly and eventually I gave up and went out to sleep in the recliner. At some point in the early evening, and still going on now, my hands and legs have been trembling and shaky.

I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing a goodly amount of the side effects, unfortunately, of the new anti-depressant.. Confusion/trouble focusing thoughts (having a hard time getting words out for the past few days), headaches, feel like throwing up (had a really bad wave of nausea yesterday at work that wasn't related to food - had only been having water!), drowsiness, fever (I felt that I had a low-grade one yesterday, but not sure), uncoordinated (have been very off balance lately), feeling weak, puffy face from water retention, and possibly a little of behaving with excessive cheerfulness and activity - though that only was a day or two. It's hard to tell otherwise, since I'm usually doing something anyway, and since I've been depressed, I haven't wanted to do anything. Do I ride it through, or call the doctor? She's off all week at a conference, so I wouldn't get any kind of response soon anyway. I was so worried about myself this morning that I really wanted to stay home, but we're having people who are "analyzing" our work out here, so I need to be here to prove my worth more or less.

Urgh, stress.

Getting inside my head (aka psychiatrist appointment)

Yesterday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist. I asked Dave to drive me there/go with me, so that I would be forced to go and not be so anxious that I would flake out. The appointment went...well? It amazes me how incredibly different counselors can approach something - and the more I go to, the more I wonder if it's even worth it. (I asked Dave in the car on the way home - why do I go to therapists? It's a broad question, but I'm not really sure about the answer.)

Anyway, the main reason I made the appointment was that I have been having INCREDIBLE social anxiety. I go to work no problem, and can go out to the store or even the gym without any problems. But that's really because I don't have to interact with anyone.

The anxiety has been increasing because, as was kind of "revealed" during the session, I don't really have a support network. The few friends I have, I don't speak to enough, and when I do, I'm not sure if it's anything that would be directly supportive (?) of my new stomach and life. (I honestly don't know what "directly supportive" would be, and if that's even what would be needed in a support network.) I also don't talk to my parents/family that much. And I'm not really sure why on that either. I think just being depressed* has made me retreat into my shell and not really want to talk to anyone that's not absolutely present/that I kinda have to talk to. So, in short, my support network is kinda Dave. Which leads to the depression thing.

*So, being depressed. Nothing new, right? Definitely not for me. Dave has been working a lot at this new full-time job. I'm proud that he has a full-time job, and what seems like steady employ. He's still doing catering. But he works incredibly long hours during his full-time job, and long hours catering on weekends, so I feel like I hardly get to see him. Sometimes he averages getting home around 7-8 (I get home at 4:30). I tend to doze off starting around 10, so that's what, 2-3 hours to spend with him? He's generally preoccupied with solo activities, like sorting/rearranging MtG cards/decks. So I just do whatever, dootz around. Then on the weekends, he'll sleep in late, then have to leave out mid-afternoon for catering. We haven't been spending quality time together, interacting, actually talking about what's going on in our lives. It feels very...separate. I think a large part of it is we are both going through a period of adjustment with the full-time job thing. But I know there is a significant part in his head that believes that he started working full-time because of me, for me. Not in a sweet way, but more in a martyr-y way - like I forced him into it. I really want to dispel that belief, but I don't know if it's going to happen ever.

UGH. So, yeah. Depression. Sorry for the tangent... I could go on forever.

Back to the social anxiety. It really revolves a lot about spending time with people generally involves eating. We are a culture that revolves around food! Hanging out with friends, ordering pizza or chinese, hanging out. Welp, can't eat that. I feel singled out, by myself. This is something I thought about a goodly amount right after the surgery, and I am kind of re-realizing it now. I'm kind of alone on this journey - it's me and my body and mind trying to cope with all these changes. Though there is support available, if I take advantage of it, my skepticism, depression, bipolar, cynicism, and incredibly low self esteem make me distrust what people might say - it's not genuine, it's just token "I know how you feel." Every person has to undergo this journey themselves - even with support, it's still you and your body. No one else is that person.

My support network is crumbly and sad. Not having Dave around that much, and realizing that I don't really have anyone else there, is kind of a wake-up call. I really want to start connecting with my family and friends more, even if they aren't close by. I want to really try and make new friends, though the whole thing is pretty terrifying and angst-inducing for me. So having the support network for this is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. Especially if you have pre-existing mental health problems, like I do. All these things that come down the pike, and you think you're prepared...you're not, really.

Post 3 month check-up

So, I am officially down 40 pounds 3 months after my surgery! The doctor's office was very pleased with my progress, saying that I'm a bit further along than they expect patients to be, so that's even better. (Since I'm worried I'll start slowing down sooner than I think, and I'm kind of amazed I got to this point at all, because of plateaus along the way.)

A rundown of my bloodwork showed that my protein was good, which is something I was really worried about. It's something they stress so much in all appointments that of course I would be worried! I haven't been tracking my protein or liquids anymore, but have just been mindful - especially of fluids.

No more trips to the E.R. Seriously.

Unfortunately, not all my bloodwork was great. The phlebotomist/lab tech at Quest muffed up my blood sample on the CBC, so I have to get that done again. My levels of vitamins B1 and B12 are low, so I need to start adding those in. I have already been taking B12, but the RN (Rose) said I can double it with no problem. And B1, I just have to start taking. Thankfully that's not too low (the goal is 8-30, and I'm at 8), but one of the causes of thiamin/B1 deficiency is daily consumption of coffee or tea. Well, hell! I drink a mug of 12+ oz of hot tea in the morning at work, then iced tea almost all evening when I get home. >_<  Another cause of low B1 is high intake of processed foods - which, naturally, things that are made to be low fat, fat free, sugar free, etc, have been engineered to be such most likely. So all the specialty doodads are good and bad. I think just adding B1 vitamins to my regiment should be fine to bump me up to a better level.

The last thing that was wonky was that my liver enzymes were high, though there's nothing I can do about it supposedly. Rose said it was most likely my body still adjusting to all the effects of the surgery, changes in my diet, etc.

Back to the B1 and B12 briefly - deficiencies in these vitamins can cause emotional problems, so I wonder if that is what is really happening up in my brain, instead of changes needed in my regular bipolar medications. (I expressed concerns over that at my last psychiatrist appointment, and she said it was just adjustments still. WHY SO LONG FOR ADJUSTMENTS?!)

Lastly, I talked about my hair loss with the RN. She said doubling the biotin (vitamin B7) could help, since I am only taking 5000 mcg and can take 10,000 mcg, so I will try that. But I am still very depressed and discouraged my my hair thinning, and having small tumbleweeds of hair every time I shower. I've been investigating wigs, weaves, extensions, etc... And I'm mostly looking into a wig. There are a TON of resources near me for wigs, thankfully, but I don't know anyone with first-hand experience in that realm. I'm afraid to talk to strangers about it, and get honest, friendly information. I'm going to go to the gastric sleeve support group at GBMC tomorrow night and see if they have any experience. Rose said she didn't really know much about it. The hair could return in like 3-6 months, so when it's going, it's going to take a goodly amount of time for it to come back. This part is what's making me really start to consider this. It's a whole new terrifying frontier for me (and another absurd expense to go through - sigh), but hopefully I can have the courage to keep on.

3 months out

First off, I want to apologize for not posting for ~2 weeks.. I've been going through some tough emotions with Dave lately, and feeling very lonely and without a lot of support. So that being said, I've withdrawn from pretty much everything, like I tend to do when I'm pretty depressed.

That being said, I can elaborate on that, or talk more about pertinent things! Well, pertinent first at least. So I'm about 4 days shy of being 3 months out from my surgery, and I've lost 40 lbs. FORTY. I am so proud of myself! I stepped on the scale this morning and was kind of shocked at how well I've done, in spite of my odd eating habits lately.

My self image is bipolar though. I think and feel thin, fitting into clothes that were super tight before with no problem, having to buy new jeggings because my old ones were baggy, etc. But I have a looot of jiggly bits, especially my thighs and butt. I know this is a sign that I need to be working out more; I have my gym membership, but haven't been in about 2 weeks. Half the time when I am planning on going, my stomach gets twisted up from just food, just anxiety, or a combination of the two. It's difficult that whenever I'm incredibly anxious, my digestive system goes completely haywire. I don't really need that when my stomach is so sensitive right now anyway.

In any case, I used to have no fear about going. Like la dee da, here I go, workin it! But I think the onset of the deepening depression has increased my desire to not do anything, let alone do things.

So, part of the depression I think stems from the surgery and my new eating habits. I generally am not eating the same thing Dave eats, and I'm scared to go out to a restaurant because of the excessive restrictions/complications that will arise. I know once I bite the bullet and try it out, I'll be fine, but it's until then that I'll be scared. When I'm not eating what Dave eats, it's like we're eating at the same time but not together? If that makes any sense. Last night, Dave had cumin mushroom quesadillas, and I had eggs. (Granted, I don't like mushrooms or cumin very much, but I couldn't have the tortilla or excessive sour cream most likely.) I don't know why it gets me, but maybe it's just a weird "separate but equal" thing that rubs me wrong.

I have my 3 mo check-up next week. I had bloodwork done last week (last Wednesday I believe), which was a large amount of blood (6 vials I think for about 8 tests?), but my wee deep veins cooperated. Hopefully that will be at the doctor's office in time. I have my referral, which I requested awhile ago knowing that my regular doctor's office is wonky with those kinds of things. It's only good through the end of the year, though, so if I have the same insurance 3 months after this next appt, then I will need another referral. But we'll see, we'll see. I also stop taking my Omeprazole (Prilosec) soon, so we'll see how my body takes to that. I'm concerned, but hopefully I don't need to be.

Camping wrap-up and some turns for the worst

I had an excellent time camping. I ate a lot of nuts and granola, with some meats thrown in around dinner time, though turkey lunch meat was pretty prevalent as well. We did a ton of walking, but ended up a bit dehydrated. Thankfully it wasn't to the point where I passed out, but I still got a good amount of headaches. (Also, it was super cold at night, and we were not prepared for that at all.)

I have been kind of eating "weirdly" lately - the food I eat throughout the day seems totally random, and I'm more having a bunch of small meals instead of just one big lunch or the like. Dinners are the only things that are "normal" - usually just some sort of meat.

Lately, though, I have been dumping a few times - maybe three times in the past two weeks. The worst is when I'm at work and having it, because there's only one ladies toilet. There aren't a lot of women, but if there is one in there (and one of the girls tends to take a long time), I have to wait. When you're in fear of messily shitting yourself, it's nerve-wracking to say the least. In most cases, I can more or less pinpoint food that made me dump. However, today it's pretty much random. There's nothing I had today that was out of the ordinary - pumpkin granola and red grapes. (That's all I've had so far today.) I've been eating the pumpkin granola for a little while, so it's not new to my stomach. I just don't know what did it. Anyway, I'm hungry now, but too scared to eat anything lest I perpetrate the cycle.

I've noticed my hair thinning lately, though it's not oily at least. (I have been only using shampoo, though.) My skin is clear more or less, and my nails are good (so the biotin's struggling as best it can).

I think one of the best things about camping was that I really was able to unplug, go off the grid (left my cell phone off except for directions/gps-ing and looking up recipes for the supper we prepared for the Saturday Moon Service), etc. It was incredibly cathartic for me. I have been less angry, less frustrated, and less stressed. Some things still hit those buttons, but not with the ferocity that they used to. There is a calmness that is attainable now, and I try to focus on that every day now. I know there's a corner of my heart and mind that holds a gentle peace - I just have to poke it every once in awhile to let it light up the rest.

It's not always rainbows and roses

For the most part, I am doing pretty well with eating foods. I have been munching on granola, seeds and nuts without having that heavy feeling I used to have. I haven't been tracking my protein and liquid intake religiously (she says after preaching it in her last post) like I had been, and I'm almost certain I should get back to it. It has become a bit more difficult because of having to figure out every since ingredient in what I'm eating - especially frustrating in granola.

Last night I made some chicken drumsticks, and I didn't finish my portion because it just made me feel nauseous. Maybe I did something wrong with the marinade, or there was an issue with the chicken, but I just had to put it down and take an anti-nausea pill later.

I haven't had any severe bowel movements lately, which is nice, but still constipated-ish as usual. I take the stool softener when I remember.

I am hoping that I don't have any digestive issues while I'm out camping, but all the food I'm making is pretty "safe." I'll keep my fingers crossed!

Bariatric Recipe Resources

So, I am constantly on the prowl for new recipes. CONSTANTLY. I hate monotony in what I eat. I'm a pretty good cook (and an even better baker), so I like trying my hand at all sorts of things. Unfortunately, it involves LOTS of research. So, to the internet! As always.

There are a few websites that I think are outstanding! Well, more than a few. But, y'know. Anyway... I'm not being paid or anything to promote these websites, just sharing results of my research :D

The Bariatric Food Dude - http://bariatricfooddude.blogspot.com/

Bariatric Foodie - http://bariatricfoodie.blogspot.com/

Gina's Skinny Taste - http://www.skinnytaste.com/

Dashing Dish - http://dashingdish.com/

Those are just a few - I get a lot of other recipes from all over the internet. Great keywords to use are "high protein low carb recipes," "bariatric recipes," or anything paleo, atkins, or diabetic. The latter two tend to be higher in protein and lower in carbs, but you should always check the nutritional info with the recipe if it's provided for you!

There's also good ways to pick which recipes are better for gastric sleeve, gastric bypass, lap-band, or any other bariatric surgeries. In addition, if there's a recipe you are dying to try, try and look for substitutions! The internet is full of people who can recommend alternatives. Here's some examples of subs I've done:

• I generally will replace heavy cream or buttermilk with evaporated milk. This will work for a majority of recipes, but sometimes you would need to keep the exact ingredients so the dish comes together properly. 
• Other substitutions are if you have to use flour in your recipe, go for a non-grain, such as almond, coconut, or soy. The better "in-between" is whole wheat, if the others are out of your budget. (Trust me, budgetary concerns are at the forefront of my mind because of how much specialty foods and medicines I have to buy!) 
• Use reduced fat or fat free anything whenever possible. If you have special sodium needs, you will want to check the sodium content especially in those items. You might want to check with vegan equivalents in that case, and see if they are any better.
• Instead of using corn, vegetable, canola, olive oil, etc, try using just cooking spray or another "nut based" oil, like coconut oil or avocado oil.

I can't think of any more for now, but I will try and jot down some substitutions I have made to share with you guys! 

Above all else, keep track of what you're eating!! You can use websites like myfitnesspal.com (and I'm sure a slew of others), but I'm actually just keeping a little notebook in my purse. Since I have good (well, low) blood pressure and good cholesterol, I am mainly watching protein and hydration. I stay mindful of carbohydrates in what I eat every day, but what I eat tends to be very, very low in carbs anyway. On a typical week day, I will have a protein shake, a snack of string cheese, a few pieces of sliced turkey breast (most turkey or white meat you find in the deli will be very low fat; the most recent I picked up was 99% fat free), another snack of string cheese later if I'm really having a hard time making it to dinner, then a piece of meat for dinner (whatever is the meat we're having with that dinner), and maybe some fruit or greek yogurt for dessert. You can pinpoint how little carbs there are - but not necessarily the protein. But y'know what? My little Fit & Active low fat/part skim mozzarella string cheese from Aldi's is about $2/package, has 8 cheeses, and it has 9 grams of protein per stick. I think that's a great snack for your wallet and your protein intake.

I will keep you posted on tips and tricks for cooking, since it's a lot of what I think about day to day. Good luck in the kitchen!

Crystal Light, friend or foe?

I have been having Crystal Light lately (peach iced tea). I've found it's helping me get that extra hydration in that I so desperately need. However, I think it's given me a mouth ulcer. I was inspecting this pain I've had in my mouth for a few days, and was able to check it out in the very good light at the bathroom at work. Lo and behold, it looks to me that I have an ulcer/sore in the back of my mouth, near my esophagus. It's so far back and so close to important bits that I'm uncomfortable using Orajel or Anbesol . Soo, Meryl suggested gargling with peroxide. I did it this morning, and it seemed to help a little bit. But I think the Crystal Light is what done me in, because I don't eat spicy foods or acidic stuff really, since I know those would be bothering my stomach.

Well, Crystal Light, you're the only thing new in my life.... So it's either stress or that. I hope it goes away soon, because I don't want to have to deal with this on the upcoming camping trip (less than a week ago). There's a likelihood that it's stress, but I doubt it. So this is clearly my weekly body-weirdness.....lol.

Cheese?

Would you like some cheese with that cheese?

I have been eating part-skim/low-fat mozzarella string cheese like it's going out of style. I have at least 2 a day, and today it will more like be 3 or 4, since I don't have any lunch! :(

Oh well. It's cheap and protein rich - one string cheese is 9 g of protein. They're small, easily transportable, low fat, and I'm sure(-ish?) low on carbs. And you are kind of forced to eat it slowly because it's...string...cheese.