1. I'm currently addicted to animal crackers and Dove (milk) chocolates. I was all up on guacamole and tortilla chips for about a week or so, but the availability of both is so-so. Plus, the guac can be a bit too acidic for my stomach at times.
2. I have a broken finger. (I broke it while trying to give Dave a literal piggy-back ride. Doesn't work now that he's a good 70 lbs heavier than I am.)
3. I just moved. The stress of moving - and costs related to such - have been debilitating. I haven't really been interested in any kinds of food in particular, I've been getting a lot of headaches, have been incredibly on edge, and having my broken finger, I wasn't really able to do any stress relief (generally, crafts) or do as much packing and moving stuff around as I would be able to had I been fully-abled.
4. I've been trying to make some new friends via meetups. There's one group of ladies that I'm starting to bond with, and have had some great times with so far. Unfortunately, between my incredible social anxiety and my stomach, inevitably I get terrified shortly before anything happens and end up unintentionally making myself sick. In any case... one of the girls just recently underwent bariatric surgery herself, coincidentally! I'm going to be seeing her on Sunday for the first time since the surgery, so I'm probably going to bring some "party favor" protein powders with me, lol. It's not cheap...and it's always good to sample new things.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Holiday Recovery & Follow-up Appointment.
So, a holiday recap. This is how you handle the holidays successfully after bariatric surgery:
You don't.
The holidays were tough. With every one of them, I ate too much and was overly full and feeling slightly nauseous. I've been lucky that I rarely vomit, though, so that may have been what kept me going. That, and taking lots of precautionary/reactionary meds - Prilosec, Promethazine, Tums, and Gas-X. (I don't know if it really matters - and I think it does - but I use mint-flavored tums and the dissolvable mint gas-x strips. I find that mint flavor generally soothes my stomach, even if it's a complete placebo effect.) Even eating minimally, I still ate too fast. "OMG this is so good!!! *snarf snarf snarf*"
And that's becoming a bigger problem for me... But I'll get to that.
In addition, there's the cookies. Oh glorious, glorious cookies. I made some as usual, though a lot less than normal. (Pretty much nobody got a full tin, though I did bring plates kinda sorta everywhere.) I did do a good amount of grazing, but nowhere near as I used to eat. Still! It was risky. I was about 6 months out, and that was when I should have been only starting on breads/rice/pasta/potatoes... But I did ok. If I ate too many, I had diarrhea from all the sugar and fats. As usual, your body will tell you when you're eating what you shouldn't - either quantity or "quality."
Overall I came out all right. I did more binging (eating lots, and fast) than I hoped I would, which has tapered off significantly after the holidays. I think a lot of that was derived from stress. Emotional eating is a hard thing to remove from your life, but I think as time goes on, I am having more and more success. The most important thing about that is to be mindful.
___________________
In other news, I had my 6 month follow-up! Ended up being more like 7, because I had to reschedule, but whatever. I weighed in at 195, which is 60 lbs since my official weigh-in at surgery! Pretty proud of myself. Some of my vitamin levels are still low (the same ones - B1 and B12), but I have been falling behind on taking those a bit. >_< My liver enzymes were still a bit high, but we'll just keep watching those.
Clothing is still kind of wonky, but I'm fitting into my own skin a bit better, which is nice. I got some gift cards for Avenue & Kohl's for Christmas. I'm so-so on the Avenue stuff, since I'm getting close to the bottom of their sizing (and their stuff runs large anyway), but I'm sure I can work it! :)
You don't.
The holidays were tough. With every one of them, I ate too much and was overly full and feeling slightly nauseous. I've been lucky that I rarely vomit, though, so that may have been what kept me going. That, and taking lots of precautionary/reactionary meds - Prilosec, Promethazine, Tums, and Gas-X. (I don't know if it really matters - and I think it does - but I use mint-flavored tums and the dissolvable mint gas-x strips. I find that mint flavor generally soothes my stomach, even if it's a complete placebo effect.) Even eating minimally, I still ate too fast. "OMG this is so good!!! *snarf snarf snarf*"
And that's becoming a bigger problem for me... But I'll get to that.
In addition, there's the cookies. Oh glorious, glorious cookies. I made some as usual, though a lot less than normal. (Pretty much nobody got a full tin, though I did bring plates kinda sorta everywhere.) I did do a good amount of grazing, but nowhere near as I used to eat. Still! It was risky. I was about 6 months out, and that was when I should have been only starting on breads/rice/pasta/potatoes... But I did ok. If I ate too many, I had diarrhea from all the sugar and fats. As usual, your body will tell you when you're eating what you shouldn't - either quantity or "quality."
Overall I came out all right. I did more binging (eating lots, and fast) than I hoped I would, which has tapered off significantly after the holidays. I think a lot of that was derived from stress. Emotional eating is a hard thing to remove from your life, but I think as time goes on, I am having more and more success. The most important thing about that is to be mindful.
___________________
In other news, I had my 6 month follow-up! Ended up being more like 7, because I had to reschedule, but whatever. I weighed in at 195, which is 60 lbs since my official weigh-in at surgery! Pretty proud of myself. Some of my vitamin levels are still low (the same ones - B1 and B12), but I have been falling behind on taking those a bit. >_< My liver enzymes were still a bit high, but we'll just keep watching those.
Clothing is still kind of wonky, but I'm fitting into my own skin a bit better, which is nice. I got some gift cards for Avenue & Kohl's for Christmas. I'm so-so on the Avenue stuff, since I'm getting close to the bottom of their sizing (and their stuff runs large anyway), but I'm sure I can work it! :)
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Getting inside my head (aka psychiatrist appointment)
Yesterday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist. I asked Dave to drive me there/go with me, so that I would be forced to go and not be so anxious that I would flake out. The appointment went...well? It amazes me how incredibly different counselors can approach something - and the more I go to, the more I wonder if it's even worth it. (I asked Dave in the car on the way home - why do I go to therapists? It's a broad question, but I'm not really sure about the answer.)
Anyway, the main reason I made the appointment was that I have been having INCREDIBLE social anxiety. I go to work no problem, and can go out to the store or even the gym without any problems. But that's really because I don't have to interact with anyone.
The anxiety has been increasing because, as was kind of "revealed" during the session, I don't really have a support network. The few friends I have, I don't speak to enough, and when I do, I'm not sure if it's anything that would be directly supportive (?) of my new stomach and life. (I honestly don't know what "directly supportive" would be, and if that's even what would be needed in a support network.) I also don't talk to my parents/family that much. And I'm not really sure why on that either. I think just being depressed* has made me retreat into my shell and not really want to talk to anyone that's not absolutely present/that I kinda have to talk to. So, in short, my support network is kinda Dave. Which leads to the depression thing.
*So, being depressed. Nothing new, right? Definitely not for me. Dave has been working a lot at this new full-time job. I'm proud that he has a full-time job, and what seems like steady employ. He's still doing catering. But he works incredibly long hours during his full-time job, and long hours catering on weekends, so I feel like I hardly get to see him. Sometimes he averages getting home around 7-8 (I get home at 4:30). I tend to doze off starting around 10, so that's what, 2-3 hours to spend with him? He's generally preoccupied with solo activities, like sorting/rearranging MtG cards/decks. So I just do whatever, dootz around. Then on the weekends, he'll sleep in late, then have to leave out mid-afternoon for catering. We haven't been spending quality time together, interacting, actually talking about what's going on in our lives. It feels very...separate. I think a large part of it is we are both going through a period of adjustment with the full-time job thing. But I know there is a significant part in his head that believes that he started working full-time because of me, for me. Not in a sweet way, but more in a martyr-y way - like I forced him into it. I really want to dispel that belief, but I don't know if it's going to happen ever.
UGH. So, yeah. Depression. Sorry for the tangent... I could go on forever.
Back to the social anxiety. It really revolves a lot about spending time with people generally involves eating. We are a culture that revolves around food! Hanging out with friends, ordering pizza or chinese, hanging out. Welp, can't eat that. I feel singled out, by myself. This is something I thought about a goodly amount right after the surgery, and I am kind of re-realizing it now. I'm kind of alone on this journey - it's me and my body and mind trying to cope with all these changes. Though there is support available, if I take advantage of it, my skepticism, depression, bipolar, cynicism, and incredibly low self esteem make me distrust what people might say - it's not genuine, it's just token "I know how you feel." Every person has to undergo this journey themselves - even with support, it's still you and your body. No one else is that person.
My support network is crumbly and sad. Not having Dave around that much, and realizing that I don't really have anyone else there, is kind of a wake-up call. I really want to start connecting with my family and friends more, even if they aren't close by. I want to really try and make new friends, though the whole thing is pretty terrifying and angst-inducing for me. So having the support network for this is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. Especially if you have pre-existing mental health problems, like I do. All these things that come down the pike, and you think you're prepared...you're not, really.
Anyway, the main reason I made the appointment was that I have been having INCREDIBLE social anxiety. I go to work no problem, and can go out to the store or even the gym without any problems. But that's really because I don't have to interact with anyone.
The anxiety has been increasing because, as was kind of "revealed" during the session, I don't really have a support network. The few friends I have, I don't speak to enough, and when I do, I'm not sure if it's anything that would be directly supportive (?) of my new stomach and life. (I honestly don't know what "directly supportive" would be, and if that's even what would be needed in a support network.) I also don't talk to my parents/family that much. And I'm not really sure why on that either. I think just being depressed* has made me retreat into my shell and not really want to talk to anyone that's not absolutely present/that I kinda have to talk to. So, in short, my support network is kinda Dave. Which leads to the depression thing.
*So, being depressed. Nothing new, right? Definitely not for me. Dave has been working a lot at this new full-time job. I'm proud that he has a full-time job, and what seems like steady employ. He's still doing catering. But he works incredibly long hours during his full-time job, and long hours catering on weekends, so I feel like I hardly get to see him. Sometimes he averages getting home around 7-8 (I get home at 4:30). I tend to doze off starting around 10, so that's what, 2-3 hours to spend with him? He's generally preoccupied with solo activities, like sorting/rearranging MtG cards/decks. So I just do whatever, dootz around. Then on the weekends, he'll sleep in late, then have to leave out mid-afternoon for catering. We haven't been spending quality time together, interacting, actually talking about what's going on in our lives. It feels very...separate. I think a large part of it is we are both going through a period of adjustment with the full-time job thing. But I know there is a significant part in his head that believes that he started working full-time because of me, for me. Not in a sweet way, but more in a martyr-y way - like I forced him into it. I really want to dispel that belief, but I don't know if it's going to happen ever.
UGH. So, yeah. Depression. Sorry for the tangent... I could go on forever.
Back to the social anxiety. It really revolves a lot about spending time with people generally involves eating. We are a culture that revolves around food! Hanging out with friends, ordering pizza or chinese, hanging out. Welp, can't eat that. I feel singled out, by myself. This is something I thought about a goodly amount right after the surgery, and I am kind of re-realizing it now. I'm kind of alone on this journey - it's me and my body and mind trying to cope with all these changes. Though there is support available, if I take advantage of it, my skepticism, depression, bipolar, cynicism, and incredibly low self esteem make me distrust what people might say - it's not genuine, it's just token "I know how you feel." Every person has to undergo this journey themselves - even with support, it's still you and your body. No one else is that person.
My support network is crumbly and sad. Not having Dave around that much, and realizing that I don't really have anyone else there, is kind of a wake-up call. I really want to start connecting with my family and friends more, even if they aren't close by. I want to really try and make new friends, though the whole thing is pretty terrifying and angst-inducing for me. So having the support network for this is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. Especially if you have pre-existing mental health problems, like I do. All these things that come down the pike, and you think you're prepared...you're not, really.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Post 3 month check-up
So, I am officially down 40 pounds 3 months after my surgery! The doctor's office was very pleased with my progress, saying that I'm a bit further along than they expect patients to be, so that's even better. (Since I'm worried I'll start slowing down sooner than I think, and I'm kind of amazed I got to this point at all, because of plateaus along the way.)
A rundown of my bloodwork showed that my protein was good, which is something I was really worried about. It's something they stress so much in all appointments that of course I would be worried! I haven't been tracking my protein or liquids anymore, but have just been mindful - especially of fluids.
A rundown of my bloodwork showed that my protein was good, which is something I was really worried about. It's something they stress so much in all appointments that of course I would be worried! I haven't been tracking my protein or liquids anymore, but have just been mindful - especially of fluids.
No more trips to the E.R. Seriously.
Unfortunately, not all my bloodwork was great. The phlebotomist/lab tech at Quest muffed up my blood sample on the CBC, so I have to get that done again. My levels of vitamins B1 and B12 are low, so I need to start adding those in. I have already been taking B12, but the RN (Rose) said I can double it with no problem. And B1, I just have to start taking. Thankfully that's not too low (the goal is 8-30, and I'm at 8), but one of the causes of thiamin/B1 deficiency is daily consumption of coffee or tea. Well, hell! I drink a mug of 12+ oz of hot tea in the morning at work, then iced tea almost all evening when I get home. >_< Another cause of low B1 is high intake of processed foods - which, naturally, things that are made to be low fat, fat free, sugar free, etc, have been engineered to be such most likely. So all the specialty doodads are good and bad. I think just adding B1 vitamins to my regiment should be fine to bump me up to a better level.
The last thing that was wonky was that my liver enzymes were high, though there's nothing I can do about it supposedly. Rose said it was most likely my body still adjusting to all the effects of the surgery, changes in my diet, etc.
Back to the B1 and B12 briefly - deficiencies in these vitamins can cause emotional problems, so I wonder if that is what is really happening up in my brain, instead of changes needed in my regular bipolar medications. (I expressed concerns over that at my last psychiatrist appointment, and she said it was just adjustments still. WHY SO LONG FOR ADJUSTMENTS?!)
Lastly, I talked about my hair loss with the RN. She said doubling the biotin (vitamin B7) could help, since I am only taking 5000 mcg and can take 10,000 mcg, so I will try that. But I am still very depressed and discouraged my my hair thinning, and having small tumbleweeds of hair every time I shower. I've been investigating wigs, weaves, extensions, etc... And I'm mostly looking into a wig. There are a TON of resources near me for wigs, thankfully, but I don't know anyone with first-hand experience in that realm. I'm afraid to talk to strangers about it, and get honest, friendly information. I'm going to go to the gastric sleeve support group at GBMC tomorrow night and see if they have any experience. Rose said she didn't really know much about it. The hair could return in like 3-6 months, so when it's going, it's going to take a goodly amount of time for it to come back. This part is what's making me really start to consider this. It's a whole new terrifying frontier for me (and another absurd expense to go through - sigh), but hopefully I can have the courage to keep on.
Monday, September 23, 2013
3 months out
First off, I want to apologize for not posting for ~2 weeks.. I've been going through some tough emotions with Dave lately, and feeling very lonely and without a lot of support. So that being said, I've withdrawn from pretty much everything, like I tend to do when I'm pretty depressed.
That being said, I can elaborate on that, or talk more about pertinent things! Well, pertinent first at least. So I'm about 4 days shy of being 3 months out from my surgery, and I've lost 40 lbs. FORTY. I am so proud of myself! I stepped on the scale this morning and was kind of shocked at how well I've done, in spite of my odd eating habits lately.
My self image is bipolar though. I think and feel thin, fitting into clothes that were super tight before with no problem, having to buy new jeggings because my old ones were baggy, etc. But I have a looot of jiggly bits, especially my thighs and butt. I know this is a sign that I need to be working out more; I have my gym membership, but haven't been in about 2 weeks. Half the time when I am planning on going, my stomach gets twisted up from just food, just anxiety, or a combination of the two. It's difficult that whenever I'm incredibly anxious, my digestive system goes completely haywire. I don't really need that when my stomach is so sensitive right now anyway.
In any case, I used to have no fear about going. Like la dee da, here I go, workin it! But I think the onset of the deepening depression has increased my desire to not do anything, let alone do things.
So, part of the depression I think stems from the surgery and my new eating habits. I generally am not eating the same thing Dave eats, and I'm scared to go out to a restaurant because of the excessive restrictions/complications that will arise. I know once I bite the bullet and try it out, I'll be fine, but it's until then that I'll be scared. When I'm not eating what Dave eats, it's like we're eating at the same time but not together? If that makes any sense. Last night, Dave had cumin mushroom quesadillas, and I had eggs. (Granted, I don't like mushrooms or cumin very much, but I couldn't have the tortilla or excessive sour cream most likely.) I don't know why it gets me, but maybe it's just a weird "separate but equal" thing that rubs me wrong.
I have my 3 mo check-up next week. I had bloodwork done last week (last Wednesday I believe), which was a large amount of blood (6 vials I think for about 8 tests?), but my wee deep veins cooperated. Hopefully that will be at the doctor's office in time. I have my referral, which I requested awhile ago knowing that my regular doctor's office is wonky with those kinds of things. It's only good through the end of the year, though, so if I have the same insurance 3 months after this next appt, then I will need another referral. But we'll see, we'll see. I also stop taking my Omeprazole (Prilosec) soon, so we'll see how my body takes to that. I'm concerned, but hopefully I don't need to be.
That being said, I can elaborate on that, or talk more about pertinent things! Well, pertinent first at least. So I'm about 4 days shy of being 3 months out from my surgery, and I've lost 40 lbs. FORTY. I am so proud of myself! I stepped on the scale this morning and was kind of shocked at how well I've done, in spite of my odd eating habits lately.
My self image is bipolar though. I think and feel thin, fitting into clothes that were super tight before with no problem, having to buy new jeggings because my old ones were baggy, etc. But I have a looot of jiggly bits, especially my thighs and butt. I know this is a sign that I need to be working out more; I have my gym membership, but haven't been in about 2 weeks. Half the time when I am planning on going, my stomach gets twisted up from just food, just anxiety, or a combination of the two. It's difficult that whenever I'm incredibly anxious, my digestive system goes completely haywire. I don't really need that when my stomach is so sensitive right now anyway.
In any case, I used to have no fear about going. Like la dee da, here I go, workin it! But I think the onset of the deepening depression has increased my desire to not do anything, let alone do things.
So, part of the depression I think stems from the surgery and my new eating habits. I generally am not eating the same thing Dave eats, and I'm scared to go out to a restaurant because of the excessive restrictions/complications that will arise. I know once I bite the bullet and try it out, I'll be fine, but it's until then that I'll be scared. When I'm not eating what Dave eats, it's like we're eating at the same time but not together? If that makes any sense. Last night, Dave had cumin mushroom quesadillas, and I had eggs. (Granted, I don't like mushrooms or cumin very much, but I couldn't have the tortilla or excessive sour cream most likely.) I don't know why it gets me, but maybe it's just a weird "separate but equal" thing that rubs me wrong.
I have my 3 mo check-up next week. I had bloodwork done last week (last Wednesday I believe), which was a large amount of blood (6 vials I think for about 8 tests?), but my wee deep veins cooperated. Hopefully that will be at the doctor's office in time. I have my referral, which I requested awhile ago knowing that my regular doctor's office is wonky with those kinds of things. It's only good through the end of the year, though, so if I have the same insurance 3 months after this next appt, then I will need another referral. But we'll see, we'll see. I also stop taking my Omeprazole (Prilosec) soon, so we'll see how my body takes to that. I'm concerned, but hopefully I don't need to be.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Camping wrap-up and some turns for the worst
I had an excellent time camping. I ate a lot of nuts and granola, with some meats thrown in around dinner time, though turkey lunch meat was pretty prevalent as well. We did a ton of walking, but ended up a bit dehydrated. Thankfully it wasn't to the point where I passed out, but I still got a good amount of headaches. (Also, it was super cold at night, and we were not prepared for that at all.)
I have been kind of eating "weirdly" lately - the food I eat throughout the day seems totally random, and I'm more having a bunch of small meals instead of just one big lunch or the like. Dinners are the only things that are "normal" - usually just some sort of meat.
Lately, though, I have been dumping a few times - maybe three times in the past two weeks. The worst is when I'm at work and having it, because there's only one ladies toilet. There aren't a lot of women, but if there is one in there (and one of the girls tends to take a long time), I have to wait. When you're in fear of messily shitting yourself, it's nerve-wracking to say the least. In most cases, I can more or less pinpoint food that made me dump. However, today it's pretty much random. There's nothing I had today that was out of the ordinary - pumpkin granola and red grapes. (That's all I've had so far today.) I've been eating the pumpkin granola for a little while, so it's not new to my stomach. I just don't know what did it. Anyway, I'm hungry now, but too scared to eat anything lest I perpetrate the cycle.
I've noticed my hair thinning lately, though it's not oily at least. (I have been only using shampoo, though.) My skin is clear more or less, and my nails are good (so the biotin's struggling as best it can).
I think one of the best things about camping was that I really was able to unplug, go off the grid (left my cell phone off except for directions/gps-ing and looking up recipes for the supper we prepared for the Saturday Moon Service), etc. It was incredibly cathartic for me. I have been less angry, less frustrated, and less stressed. Some things still hit those buttons, but not with the ferocity that they used to. There is a calmness that is attainable now, and I try to focus on that every day now. I know there's a corner of my heart and mind that holds a gentle peace - I just have to poke it every once in awhile to let it light up the rest.
I have been kind of eating "weirdly" lately - the food I eat throughout the day seems totally random, and I'm more having a bunch of small meals instead of just one big lunch or the like. Dinners are the only things that are "normal" - usually just some sort of meat.
Lately, though, I have been dumping a few times - maybe three times in the past two weeks. The worst is when I'm at work and having it, because there's only one ladies toilet. There aren't a lot of women, but if there is one in there (and one of the girls tends to take a long time), I have to wait. When you're in fear of messily shitting yourself, it's nerve-wracking to say the least. In most cases, I can more or less pinpoint food that made me dump. However, today it's pretty much random. There's nothing I had today that was out of the ordinary - pumpkin granola and red grapes. (That's all I've had so far today.) I've been eating the pumpkin granola for a little while, so it's not new to my stomach. I just don't know what did it. Anyway, I'm hungry now, but too scared to eat anything lest I perpetrate the cycle.
I've noticed my hair thinning lately, though it's not oily at least. (I have been only using shampoo, though.) My skin is clear more or less, and my nails are good (so the biotin's struggling as best it can).
I think one of the best things about camping was that I really was able to unplug, go off the grid (left my cell phone off except for directions/gps-ing and looking up recipes for the supper we prepared for the Saturday Moon Service), etc. It was incredibly cathartic for me. I have been less angry, less frustrated, and less stressed. Some things still hit those buttons, but not with the ferocity that they used to. There is a calmness that is attainable now, and I try to focus on that every day now. I know there's a corner of my heart and mind that holds a gentle peace - I just have to poke it every once in awhile to let it light up the rest.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Ch-Ch-Changes
So, over the past few weeks or so, my body has been going through an absurd amount of changes. My hormones are completely unbalanced. The chemistry in my brain is unbalanced. A month ago, my cycle was 100% different than normal, so bad that I called my gynecologist to come in. She said it would probably pass, but I could come in if I wanted to. I ended up not, because it had started to taper off the next day.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, I started to get really bad acne, and my hair got incredibly oily - so bad that as soon as I would wash my hair with just shampoo, it would still be oily. I was investigating ways to dry out my hair, anti-oily shampoo. (Sadly, the options are pretty limited if you don't want to break the bank.) I also found myself pretty consistently hungry.
After a week-ish, it passed. What?! Now just mental/brain chemistry imbalances - I've been pretty depressed lately, and increasingly so, but my mania has been also complicating things. So me being manic and depressive at the same time is becoming a more frequent occurrence. I don't know if it's that my body isn't processing the chemicals in my medications well or what. I'm seeing my psychologist later this week, so it will be something I will want to talk to her about. It seems odd that we would have to up the dosage, when there's less ground to cover, in theory. But this could be just another hypochondriac moment of "wtf is going on, haaalllpppp."
I think the reason I'm becoming increasingly depressed is that I feel that I'm having to fight an uphill battle just to keep my body from falling apart. I need to struggle every day to get in the protein and liquids that I need to get, and generally am not making the cut, so I need to fight even harder than I have been. I'm kind of plateau-ing a bit when it comes to my weight, though I think the inches are coming off. (A lot of my clothing is starting to be absurdly loose on me, which is nice, except for when I can't afford anything.) That's a positive, but still discouraging a bit that the scale doesn't move much in two weeks. And in addition to all this, something new and absurd is happening to my body almost every week. My hair is starting to thin, so I'm fairly certain that no amount of biotin I take - supplements and biotin shampoo - are going to help me save my hair. So I guess I'll start shopping for wigs, which aren't too hard to find in my area. Also, money is an incredibly serious issue for me right now, and I applied for a personal loan to try and consolidate my debt and improve my credit, but was denied. Well, lovely - how am I ever supposed to get out of this hole, short of getting an amazing job and/or winning the lottery? The job thing is ridiculously unlikely, since I tried so hard for so long to get a job and just couldn't win. So it feels like an hopeless situation, definitely.
Dave and I are going camping soon, which is the only thing I'm excited for. It's the only thing that keeps me barely afloat, because it's something to hope for. Everything else...it's just going through the motions. Work, eating, doing other things - I have to drag myself to do them, and only because I absolutely have to. I've been shunning almost all social interaction. Just don't want to do anything at all. I know it's a big sign of depression - I've seen it in myself and others before. So I'm really concerned about my body processing the medications I take, since I've been on the same dosage for the anti-depressant for I can't even remember how long - probably over a year. So, we'll see. I'm tired of having to change things up constantly.
I just want things to kind of normalize. The further out I get from the surgery, the more trouble I seem to be running into. :(
Then, a couple of weeks ago, I started to get really bad acne, and my hair got incredibly oily - so bad that as soon as I would wash my hair with just shampoo, it would still be oily. I was investigating ways to dry out my hair, anti-oily shampoo. (Sadly, the options are pretty limited if you don't want to break the bank.) I also found myself pretty consistently hungry.
After a week-ish, it passed. What?! Now just mental/brain chemistry imbalances - I've been pretty depressed lately, and increasingly so, but my mania has been also complicating things. So me being manic and depressive at the same time is becoming a more frequent occurrence. I don't know if it's that my body isn't processing the chemicals in my medications well or what. I'm seeing my psychologist later this week, so it will be something I will want to talk to her about. It seems odd that we would have to up the dosage, when there's less ground to cover, in theory. But this could be just another hypochondriac moment of "wtf is going on, haaalllpppp."
I think the reason I'm becoming increasingly depressed is that I feel that I'm having to fight an uphill battle just to keep my body from falling apart. I need to struggle every day to get in the protein and liquids that I need to get, and generally am not making the cut, so I need to fight even harder than I have been. I'm kind of plateau-ing a bit when it comes to my weight, though I think the inches are coming off. (A lot of my clothing is starting to be absurdly loose on me, which is nice, except for when I can't afford anything.) That's a positive, but still discouraging a bit that the scale doesn't move much in two weeks. And in addition to all this, something new and absurd is happening to my body almost every week. My hair is starting to thin, so I'm fairly certain that no amount of biotin I take - supplements and biotin shampoo - are going to help me save my hair. So I guess I'll start shopping for wigs, which aren't too hard to find in my area. Also, money is an incredibly serious issue for me right now, and I applied for a personal loan to try and consolidate my debt and improve my credit, but was denied. Well, lovely - how am I ever supposed to get out of this hole, short of getting an amazing job and/or winning the lottery? The job thing is ridiculously unlikely, since I tried so hard for so long to get a job and just couldn't win. So it feels like an hopeless situation, definitely.
Dave and I are going camping soon, which is the only thing I'm excited for. It's the only thing that keeps me barely afloat, because it's something to hope for. Everything else...it's just going through the motions. Work, eating, doing other things - I have to drag myself to do them, and only because I absolutely have to. I've been shunning almost all social interaction. Just don't want to do anything at all. I know it's a big sign of depression - I've seen it in myself and others before. So I'm really concerned about my body processing the medications I take, since I've been on the same dosage for the anti-depressant for I can't even remember how long - probably over a year. So, we'll see. I'm tired of having to change things up constantly.
I just want things to kind of normalize. The further out I get from the surgery, the more trouble I seem to be running into. :(
Friday, July 26, 2013
Keeping Up
This week has been incredibly difficult for me. I have been exhausted all the time, to the point of starting to drift off while driving. I am struggling to get my protein intake in, which might be why I'm so tired. So far I have only had one day that I was able to get in 70+ grams of protein. The rest of the days, I average somewhere around 40. The real issue is that for me to supplement that protein, I need to drink Isopure every day pretty much.... And I can't afford that. I can't afford to buy drinks that cost $4.50 a bottle. I don't like the Nectar protein powders at all (I think they're foul), and anything else that has been a protein "drink" instead of "shake" has been an incredible waste of time and taste buds. SOOOOO, there's that. On the plus side, I'm doing decent on my hydration! So...there's that as well! Yay!
I'm working along on soft foods pretty well! After the asparagus hiccup. I've had some string cheese, raspberries, banana, deli turkey meat, and that's all been fine. :) I tried making some mashed cauliflower last night and followed a specific recipe, and it turned out like awful gruel. It was so bad that even though I had spent a long while on it, I took 3 spoonfuls and dumped the rest. (Can't link the recipe unfortunately - it was in one of the cookbooks.)
I'm keeping a little notebook with two columns - protein and hydro. It's definitely making me more accountable to myself.
I think my exhaustion has just been from being back at work full-time, and being very, very busy at work. Most days I haven't gone out for lunch, just because I've been working on this, that, or the other thing. Today is also more or less one of those days. But part of it is that I push myself beyond my physical and mental limits always. And there's pretty much no one to stop me from myself, lol.
Things have been a little tense with Dave.. I haven't been feeling very "special," and I think it's just not really communicating as much as we had been when I was home all the time. Being at work and being busy has been depressing and exhausting (and lonely! since I hardly talk to anyone on a personal level at all, all day long). So I'd like to come home to my love standing there with open arms and asking me about my day and telling me about his, or just texting me throughout the day with something to say, anything interesting... Otherwise, just blankly asking "how's it going"... it hardly means anything. Especially down here in "the South" where people just say that passing by each other on the sidewalk. Up in NJ/PA/etc, that never happens - if they say anything, it might be hello, good morning, good afternoon, evenin', whatev - but that's rare, and usually only in the neighborhood. Whatevs, sorry for the tangent. Anyway! Dave put together a really sweet basket of stuff for me on Wednesday that made me cry - because he was thinking about me, and about the shitty day I was having, and my general poor attitude for days and days. I should always realize he loves me, but clearly if I'm not interacting with him in-depth, it gets to me.
Oy vey, this has been a rambly post. Sorry about that folks... I'll try to be a bit more focused next time. Til then!
I'm working along on soft foods pretty well! After the asparagus hiccup. I've had some string cheese, raspberries, banana, deli turkey meat, and that's all been fine. :) I tried making some mashed cauliflower last night and followed a specific recipe, and it turned out like awful gruel. It was so bad that even though I had spent a long while on it, I took 3 spoonfuls and dumped the rest. (Can't link the recipe unfortunately - it was in one of the cookbooks.)
I'm keeping a little notebook with two columns - protein and hydro. It's definitely making me more accountable to myself.
I think my exhaustion has just been from being back at work full-time, and being very, very busy at work. Most days I haven't gone out for lunch, just because I've been working on this, that, or the other thing. Today is also more or less one of those days. But part of it is that I push myself beyond my physical and mental limits always. And there's pretty much no one to stop me from myself, lol.
Things have been a little tense with Dave.. I haven't been feeling very "special," and I think it's just not really communicating as much as we had been when I was home all the time. Being at work and being busy has been depressing and exhausting (and lonely! since I hardly talk to anyone on a personal level at all, all day long). So I'd like to come home to my love standing there with open arms and asking me about my day and telling me about his, or just texting me throughout the day with something to say, anything interesting... Otherwise, just blankly asking "how's it going"... it hardly means anything. Especially down here in "the South" where people just say that passing by each other on the sidewalk. Up in NJ/PA/etc, that never happens - if they say anything, it might be hello, good morning, good afternoon, evenin', whatev - but that's rare, and usually only in the neighborhood. Whatevs, sorry for the tangent. Anyway! Dave put together a really sweet basket of stuff for me on Wednesday that made me cry - because he was thinking about me, and about the shitty day I was having, and my general poor attitude for days and days. I should always realize he loves me, but clearly if I'm not interacting with him in-depth, it gets to me.
Oy vey, this has been a rambly post. Sorry about that folks... I'll try to be a bit more focused next time. Til then!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Dietary progression/regression
I talked to Dave about this a little last night, since I haven't really talked about it at length with anyone yet. I had posted to the gastricsleeve.com forums about this, but haven't really got much info, other than asparagus = no, because it's fibrous. Didn't think about that one, thought it was one of the "good guys". :'(
Unfortunately, not much help in regards to the fact that I'm having difficulty getting down protein shakes and smoothies. It's not that I feel the need to vomit, it's just incredibly full feeling almost immediately. And this definitely wasn't happening when I first started on the upward dietary progression! The doctors and nurses especially stressed to me that if you feel full, stop, because one more bite/sip could make you throw up or cause extreme pain. So where's the middle ground? I need to get my protein in, and it's been incredibly hard. I can't afford to drink Isopures every day - at $4.50 a pop, I can hardly afford more than a few at a time.
For example, I made an amazingly delicious apple cinnamon protein smoothie yesterday morning. It was pretty great on the first time through, though a bit chewy (tooooo thick, plus flaxseed always makes things a bit chewier). I watered it down for round 2. Harder to get through. Round 3, same. I could hardly finish the 8 oz I made for myself over an hour - which is the time it should take to get through it. I'd get through maybe 2 ounces and feel super full, and have to wait 20 minutes or so until I felt capable of going at it again. The downside with that smoothie/shake is that it doesn't have a lot of protein, comparably - only ~33 grams in the whole shebang. So I only ended up with about 11g of protein in each of my servings. The reeses protein shake I made has a lot more, but that's because of the double helping of protein. But still. I unfortunately need to get used to leftovers, since I've kind of hated them all my life. Having the same thing for every "meal" yesterday kind of killed me. But at the same time, if I don't force myself to have it again, I will just make something new and it will most likely go to waste and need to be thrown out.
In other news, one of the forum members did make a suggestion about having issues with just plain protein shakes (protein powder + water - even milk makes me intolerably full and slightly queasy). Maybe it's the whey? So I'm trying out a soy isolate shake today, and I gotta say I'm not impressed or enjoying it. It definitely has a weird taste/mouth-feel that I'm not impressed with. I'm wondering if maybe I'm developing lactose intolerance - or the very miniscule issues I had with it years ago are coming back. In which case, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! Not sure what I would do after that. I also know that I'm not good with eggs, though my primary care physician was like, meh, maybe you just had too many, just don't have them for awhile. Well, how will I know if I have an allergy if I don't eat them and have a reaction? Derp, can't you just test me anyway? Nope. Double derp.
All in all, I'm pretty stressed about the state of things and my stomach not cooperating. I have an appointment a week from today with the nurse, so I'm going to bring these things up to her. I'm supposed to be on soft foods (stage 4), and it doesn't really bother me that I'm not there yet, but at the same time, I'm concerned that I'm hardly able to do full liquids (stage 2). :(
Unfortunately, not much help in regards to the fact that I'm having difficulty getting down protein shakes and smoothies. It's not that I feel the need to vomit, it's just incredibly full feeling almost immediately. And this definitely wasn't happening when I first started on the upward dietary progression! The doctors and nurses especially stressed to me that if you feel full, stop, because one more bite/sip could make you throw up or cause extreme pain. So where's the middle ground? I need to get my protein in, and it's been incredibly hard. I can't afford to drink Isopures every day - at $4.50 a pop, I can hardly afford more than a few at a time.
For example, I made an amazingly delicious apple cinnamon protein smoothie yesterday morning. It was pretty great on the first time through, though a bit chewy (tooooo thick, plus flaxseed always makes things a bit chewier). I watered it down for round 2. Harder to get through. Round 3, same. I could hardly finish the 8 oz I made for myself over an hour - which is the time it should take to get through it. I'd get through maybe 2 ounces and feel super full, and have to wait 20 minutes or so until I felt capable of going at it again. The downside with that smoothie/shake is that it doesn't have a lot of protein, comparably - only ~33 grams in the whole shebang. So I only ended up with about 11g of protein in each of my servings. The reeses protein shake I made has a lot more, but that's because of the double helping of protein. But still. I unfortunately need to get used to leftovers, since I've kind of hated them all my life. Having the same thing for every "meal" yesterday kind of killed me. But at the same time, if I don't force myself to have it again, I will just make something new and it will most likely go to waste and need to be thrown out.
In other news, one of the forum members did make a suggestion about having issues with just plain protein shakes (protein powder + water - even milk makes me intolerably full and slightly queasy). Maybe it's the whey? So I'm trying out a soy isolate shake today, and I gotta say I'm not impressed or enjoying it. It definitely has a weird taste/mouth-feel that I'm not impressed with. I'm wondering if maybe I'm developing lactose intolerance - or the very miniscule issues I had with it years ago are coming back. In which case, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! Not sure what I would do after that. I also know that I'm not good with eggs, though my primary care physician was like, meh, maybe you just had too many, just don't have them for awhile. Well, how will I know if I have an allergy if I don't eat them and have a reaction? Derp, can't you just test me anyway? Nope. Double derp.
All in all, I'm pretty stressed about the state of things and my stomach not cooperating. I have an appointment a week from today with the nurse, so I'm going to bring these things up to her. I'm supposed to be on soft foods (stage 4), and it doesn't really bother me that I'm not there yet, but at the same time, I'm concerned that I'm hardly able to do full liquids (stage 2). :(
Monday, July 15, 2013
Officially Return to Work Date
I'm officially set to return to work this Wednesday, for half days Wed/Thurs/Fri. I heard back from the nurse late in the day when I called her last week, and I'm hoping I'll be ok. I will be back to work one day shy of my 3 weeks, but I think I'll be ok. I may try and do a clear liquid diet on Wednesday so I'll be "safe" and shouldn't expect any stomach upheaval. I'm not terribly concerned about getting carsick with the commute, since it will only be about 30 minutes.
I've forgotten/gotten over the fact that I will probably never have this much time off from work for the rest of my life. Thankfully, Life has interceded and kicked that right into the corners of my mind.
I'm a tad concerned about some "firefighting" I'm going to have to do when I get back, but I don't think it's anything I can't handle, as long as I take my time. I think the half days will be really helpful in that regard. I've checked my work email a few times and responded to things that I can, but clearly I'm going to need to make a to-do list when I get back to accomplish things that I said I would do when I got back, such as ordering rip-rap, taking care of county tax bills, and sorting out invoice complications.
There's a good chance I haven't said what my job is before. I am an office assistant, and though my pay grade and place on the official totem pole is pretty low (with the low salary...*fume*), my actual place is pretty high within my section. I am the primary/only person who does purchasing, and the primary person who does payroll. There are ways other people in my section can do it, but it would be such a clusterf-- that it wouldn't be worth it at all. As it was, the last payroll was really touch-and-go, even with me doing as much preparation beforehand to get things to go smoothly. Oh well - when people don't take my instructions/help/advice seriously, then it's out of my hands. I know I will still catch flak for it, but that's nothing new. It's always easier to blame someone else, especially subordinates who have no redress.
Meh, meh. Work is not so hot to go back to, but I know I'm valued by those who matter, and have friends there, so I can do it! I CAN DO IT! *puffs out chest and fist pump to try and pysch self up*
I've forgotten/gotten over the fact that I will probably never have this much time off from work for the rest of my life. Thankfully, Life has interceded and kicked that right into the corners of my mind.
I'm a tad concerned about some "firefighting" I'm going to have to do when I get back, but I don't think it's anything I can't handle, as long as I take my time. I think the half days will be really helpful in that regard. I've checked my work email a few times and responded to things that I can, but clearly I'm going to need to make a to-do list when I get back to accomplish things that I said I would do when I got back, such as ordering rip-rap, taking care of county tax bills, and sorting out invoice complications.
There's a good chance I haven't said what my job is before. I am an office assistant, and though my pay grade and place on the official totem pole is pretty low (with the low salary...*fume*), my actual place is pretty high within my section. I am the primary/only person who does purchasing, and the primary person who does payroll. There are ways other people in my section can do it, but it would be such a clusterf-- that it wouldn't be worth it at all. As it was, the last payroll was really touch-and-go, even with me doing as much preparation beforehand to get things to go smoothly. Oh well - when people don't take my instructions/help/advice seriously, then it's out of my hands. I know I will still catch flak for it, but that's nothing new. It's always easier to blame someone else, especially subordinates who have no redress.
Meh, meh. Work is not so hot to go back to, but I know I'm valued by those who matter, and have friends there, so I can do it! I CAN DO IT! *puffs out chest and fist pump to try and pysch self up*
Sunday, July 7, 2013
10 Days Post-Surgery
Today is my birthday, and I am 10 days post-op. I am feeling fine, though I have been physically over-exerting myself and need to take it down a notch. I went shopping with my mom yesterday for 4 hours (I didn't want to be out that long, that's for damn sure), and then at night I went to bend over to pick up my cat and it hurt like HELL. I kinda stayed pretty still after that to try and avoid any more pain, and had some of the heavier dutier pain killers. I have been trying to stick to liquid tylenol, so that I can do stuff and not end up sleeping all the time, but end up taking the liquid percocet when I'm sorer (usually the half dose).
Food has been pretty much the same thing day to day - protein shakes, powerade, iced tea. I tried making the amazing avocado egg salad last night, only thinned down with some chicken broth and pureed within an inch of it's life, and it just wasn't so hot. Not sure if it's salvageable, or if it's just the consistency, but I was pretty optimistic.
Like I said, today's my birthday. Last night we celebrated in small fashion with a jello "cake" with vanilla pudding in the middle and a little candle on top. It didn't sit so pretty (would've been better in a parfait glass, but I wasn't the one who made it), but the candle stood up in it long enough to get through a quick singing of Happy Birthday and for me to blow it out.
Food has been pretty much the same thing day to day - protein shakes, powerade, iced tea. I tried making the amazing avocado egg salad last night, only thinned down with some chicken broth and pureed within an inch of it's life, and it just wasn't so hot. Not sure if it's salvageable, or if it's just the consistency, but I was pretty optimistic.
Like I said, today's my birthday. Last night we celebrated in small fashion with a jello "cake" with vanilla pudding in the middle and a little candle on top. It didn't sit so pretty (would've been better in a parfait glass, but I wasn't the one who made it), but the candle stood up in it long enough to get through a quick singing of Happy Birthday and for me to blow it out.
Dave has been worried (which he just expressed) in my growing obsessing over food - recipes, classes, etc. I can't tell if it's because I have to obsess about food anyway kinda sorta? Or if it's really I WANT FOOOOOD.... I am definitely mourning food and having head hunger and true hunger pangs that I can't seem to get rid of with distraction or protein. So I'm seeking help out on the forums, to see if they have any p's and q's. Maybe I'm drinking too fast? I've been using my sippy cup whenever possible. Maybe I'm eating too fast? I haven't had anything come up. Soooo... I don't know. Frustrating, though.
Anyway, not feeling so great today - depressed, among other things, and just want to crawl in a hole. Or lay down on the bed and cry. Except I can't lay down on the bed, cause I'd never get back up - I'm still sleeping in the recliner since the bed is so low. Sigh.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
One week later..
Today is my official mark for one week after surgery. How am I feeling? Pretty good. I over-exerted myself dootzing around yesterday, so I'm trying to take it easy today. (Appointment/shopping, then shopping again later... Wayyy too much stress on that belly o' mine.)
I got adventurous earlier today and ate a Müller Greek Corner Yogurt today, strawberry flavor, being very careful to go incredibly slowly. So far my adventures haven't turned out so great. Isopure (Unflavored) + Miso Soup? No, no, no! It was foul. Orange Powerade Zero with French Vanilla Lean Shake 25 protein powder? Mmm, also no, but I think it was more the protein powder's fault. The Lean Shake stuff tends to get incredibly foamy/frothy, and I realized how detrimental that was when I was just all full of the foam. When I transferred it to a sippy cup, it worked out better, but still not a big fan of the Lean Shake 25 protein powder flavors.
I made chocolate pudding! With a packet of Better Bowls I picked up from the grocery store. Low cal, sugar free (sweetened with Splenda), protein, fiber... and made with skim milk plus fiber... It's really delicious. I also got a vanilla, so I'll be trying that out soon as well! :)
My mom's coming down tomorrow, so hopefully that won't be as stressful as I'm worried it will be.
I have been thinking I will go back to work early, but after talking with the nurse yesterday, she said that I should think about it some more and call her next Wednesday to see how I'm feeling about it. She made a suggestion of maybe just going back for half-days for a week until going to full-days the week after, just to ease in a little.
Sorry this post is kind of all over the place - clearly I had no organization in mind when I set out to do this! lol
I got adventurous earlier today and ate a Müller Greek Corner Yogurt today, strawberry flavor, being very careful to go incredibly slowly. So far my adventures haven't turned out so great. Isopure (Unflavored) + Miso Soup? No, no, no! It was foul. Orange Powerade Zero with French Vanilla Lean Shake 25 protein powder? Mmm, also no, but I think it was more the protein powder's fault. The Lean Shake stuff tends to get incredibly foamy/frothy, and I realized how detrimental that was when I was just all full of the foam. When I transferred it to a sippy cup, it worked out better, but still not a big fan of the Lean Shake 25 protein powder flavors.
I made chocolate pudding! With a packet of Better Bowls I picked up from the grocery store. Low cal, sugar free (sweetened with Splenda), protein, fiber... and made with skim milk plus fiber... It's really delicious. I also got a vanilla, so I'll be trying that out soon as well! :)
My mom's coming down tomorrow, so hopefully that won't be as stressful as I'm worried it will be.
I have been thinking I will go back to work early, but after talking with the nurse yesterday, she said that I should think about it some more and call her next Wednesday to see how I'm feeling about it. She made a suggestion of maybe just going back for half-days for a week until going to full-days the week after, just to ease in a little.
Sorry this post is kind of all over the place - clearly I had no organization in mind when I set out to do this! lol
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Stage 2!
So today is my first day of the stage 2 diet. I'm now on full liquids! First day of non-clears since last Monday. I have been looking forward to today so much it's kind of absurd. Pretty much, as long as I can have my protein shakes and iced tea with splenda, I'm golden.
However, I definitely need to get in a better groove, and get a firm grip that just because one miso soup went south with a scoop of unflavored protein powder doesn't mean that all soups will suck.
Tomorrow is my one-week post-op with the doctor (one day early). I have been driving a little, getting around decently, just having some pain in the large incision on the right side. For the most part, I haven't been nauseous or dizzy or any of those things. I've got a drill sergeant on me about keeping up that hydration, which is helpful. I keep trying to do things for myself, because Dave is lazy and has been reacting poorly to accommodating my OCD. (And he shouldn't really have to.) I am learning to keep my mouth shut and just go about my business and do what I can do - then stretch beyond it a little - and if all else fails, use my toes to grab and pick it up.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Two days out
It's two days since my surgery, and I'm feeling..okay. Thursday, the day of surgery, I felt pretty good, somehow. Then Friday, that went kind of poorly. My sister was there, which was great. We got to do a lot talking and hanging out. Dave's mom and gradmom came over for a bit and brought flowers and a card, which was sweet. But then I started feeling kinda nauseous and with a low fever.. I couldn't get comfortable... The whole thing was kind of a mess. I was a mess. Also, my nurse for the evening, when I was at my worst, was pretty sub-par and clearly didn't give a crap.
I slept very poorly, and got up around 5:30 because it just wasn't happening. Thankfully, the nurse tht took over was probably the nicest one I'd had thus far. So she got me all set up, especially with some anti-nausea and pain killers (since they had lapsed significantly).
Around 11:30 or so, Dr. Liao came in and removed my drain, and did a check on the rest of my incision sites. Having the drain removed was not as awful as I was led to believe by other forum members and/or other bloggers/vloggers. Felt weird as hell when the end finally popped out, but comparatively not that bad.
I got home just after noon or so today. My sister stayed for a few hours to just hang out, which was all very nice still :) I'm so glad she was able to come down. Dave has also already been amazing. Both of them have been like DRINK DRINK DRINK...but unfortunately it's getting to the point where I'm too full and start hiccuping (which is unpleasant, as is to be expected). I was also incredibly sleepy after having taken some liquid Percocet, and have been ever since, though it should be out of my system by now. I'm going to probably take some of the liquid tylenol instead. It's just so weird being almost narcoleptic like this. Dozing off while holding my sippy cup, dozing mid-text message, dozing right now sitting up-right at the desk as I'm writing this.... It truly is absurd and slightly disturbing.
However, I'm trying to stay on top of it. I haven't felt nauseous at all since being home, I've passed gas (which is a yay, actually), had a poop (also yay, though I have no idea what it's coming from since I haven't had any food since Monday and I'm pretty sure I got it "all out of the way"), made it up the stairs to our 3rd floor apartment without any problem.
I can definitely see why they want you to take off 3 weeks.... Ugh. *so weary*
Ok, will try to post something more...meaty? next time - something more than just a recap.
I slept very poorly, and got up around 5:30 because it just wasn't happening. Thankfully, the nurse tht took over was probably the nicest one I'd had thus far. So she got me all set up, especially with some anti-nausea and pain killers (since they had lapsed significantly).
Around 11:30 or so, Dr. Liao came in and removed my drain, and did a check on the rest of my incision sites. Having the drain removed was not as awful as I was led to believe by other forum members and/or other bloggers/vloggers. Felt weird as hell when the end finally popped out, but comparatively not that bad.
I got home just after noon or so today. My sister stayed for a few hours to just hang out, which was all very nice still :) I'm so glad she was able to come down. Dave has also already been amazing. Both of them have been like DRINK DRINK DRINK...but unfortunately it's getting to the point where I'm too full and start hiccuping (which is unpleasant, as is to be expected). I was also incredibly sleepy after having taken some liquid Percocet, and have been ever since, though it should be out of my system by now. I'm going to probably take some of the liquid tylenol instead. It's just so weird being almost narcoleptic like this. Dozing off while holding my sippy cup, dozing mid-text message, dozing right now sitting up-right at the desk as I'm writing this.... It truly is absurd and slightly disturbing.
However, I'm trying to stay on top of it. I haven't felt nauseous at all since being home, I've passed gas (which is a yay, actually), had a poop (also yay, though I have no idea what it's coming from since I haven't had any food since Monday and I'm pretty sure I got it "all out of the way"), made it up the stairs to our 3rd floor apartment without any problem.
I can definitely see why they want you to take off 3 weeks.... Ugh. *so weary*
Ok, will try to post something more...meaty? next time - something more than just a recap.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Scared
So, it's coming down to the final hour, as it is. Surgery is tomorrow. I'm on the clear liquid diet, which is a bit aggravating to see food here there and everywhere, and not be able to eat it. Just walking past the fridge, there's a big jug of protein powder and two loaves of bread. :'(
Having no food has definitely made me extra tired and cranky. My emotional level is cranked up because of how scared I am for tomorrow.... Most of it is the immediate post-surgery part, like having a catheter and a drain, and shambling around the hospital. Getting my necessary medications in. Wondering what I'm going to be able to do to entertain people coming to visit me.. Who wants to sit 8 hours in a hospital with a person full of tubes? Yeesh. I know I probably shouldn't worry about "entertaining" people, but I can't help it.
*squirm....*
Having no food has definitely made me extra tired and cranky. My emotional level is cranked up because of how scared I am for tomorrow.... Most of it is the immediate post-surgery part, like having a catheter and a drain, and shambling around the hospital. Getting my necessary medications in. Wondering what I'm going to be able to do to entertain people coming to visit me.. Who wants to sit 8 hours in a hospital with a person full of tubes? Yeesh. I know I probably shouldn't worry about "entertaining" people, but I can't help it.
*squirm....*
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Family updates & Shopping
I've sort of "rounded up" the people that will be visiting me in the hospital. Dave's mom and grandmom will probably be there, as well as his friend Mani and possibly his friend Rick (and possibly his respective wife Masha). I realized that even if it is kind of a "crew," it's not anyone I really wanted. I'm scared, and I want my mom. Yep, basic child-based instincts. But it's true! No one in my nuclear family has gone in for major surgery and stayed 2 days in the hospital. I believe when my mom had her hysterectomy, she might have been in overnight one night, but I don't think it was more than that. (I was pretty young, so I can't remember.)
So I sent my mom an email, more or less begging her to come down. And then I completely forgot that they had a scheduled vacation...that they were leaving for very early the next day (after my surgery). She suggested I reschedule it or postpone it. It's too late in the game for that, really - I'm just waiting on what time my actual surgery is going to take place. But then she talked to my sister about it, and she is happy to come down! She's coming down Friday (the day after), which is fine - I'm sure I won't be all "heyoooo" the first day, since I'll most likely be sleeping a good amount. I'm really glad she's coming - and she's even voiced some support, which means so, so much to me. I am so happy that I'll have "one of my own" with me.
*sniffle, wibble*
Ok, onto other news. I ordered a goodly amount of supplies for myself: EZ Sweetz liquid stevia (holy cow, the ratios on that are ABSURD), 5 lbs of almond flour, a pill crusher obliterator, liquid tylenol, Wellesse liquid calcium supplement, and a B12 sublingual (dissolves under the tongue) tablet. In addition, I picked up some additional protein shakes, some Isopure, some Powerade. GEARING UP. Still need a recliner, though - finding one in my ideal price range is very difficult. In addition, I stopped into GNC (yet again) today, and picked up some Lean Shake 25 packets for emergency work protein (lol~), some protein bars (specifically PowerCrunch Protein Energy Bar Original - Wild Berry Creme; QuestBar Natural Protein Bar - Lemon Cream Pie (for Dave); NuGo Slim Brownie Crunch; NuGo Slim Raspberry Truffle; Kind Nuts & Spices - Madagascar Vanilla Almond), protein pudding from MHP (Maximum Human Performance), and a box of Atkins Day Break Oatmeal Cinnamon Baked Square[s]. AAAND I got all that stuff from GNC just now for just over $12 (p.s. there is tax on food in MD). Hooray, savvy shopping to the max! Seriously. I can't really afford all these fancy-to-do protein supplements and bars and whatevs, so I gotta get the cheaps when I can. I am really excited to try these out and give you guys a report back. I've enjoyed the Quest Bars recently (I believe I had Apple Pie and Chocolate Brownie), so I may review those while I'm at it. But some of these are ones where I've tried the brand before and coming back to explore other flavors. Neat how I do that, huh? ;)
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night
So, lately my emotions have been ridiculously turbulent. (I have a type 2 bipolar disorder, as all as obsessive compulsive disorder.) Usually I am able to manage them with my medications, but lately - the past few weeks - it's been almost impossible. Unfortunately, Dave is usually the unintended victim of my vitriol and tears. I have been trying to figure out what exactly is making me feel this way, and I haven't gotten to the root of it yet.
In addition, with my emotional state being amped up, I have had even more social anxiety. I was hoping to meet a person and make a new friend over crafts this past weekend, and I copped out because I was TERRIFIED. Literally and irrationally terrified. I feel guilty and like I'm a disappointment, but I just don't feel like I can "handle it" right now. If I can get these emotions in check (to a degree), I can try and logic this sucker out. I used to be good at stepping back and objectively looking at my distorted thinking processes. Right now, it's like somebody went berserk with some steel wool on that plate of glass. (The plate of glass I could stand behind like an observer watching an interrogation in a crime drama.) That observer is getting sucked into the maelstrom.
I have some anxiety medications I can take on an as needed basis, but I don't know if this is just anxiety or what. I don't think that all this fallout could be from anxiety - but I know the anxiety isn't helping.
BLAH.
In other news, and this is probably distorted thinking, I have been feeling more and more lonely on this journey as I get close to the date. I feel like my "pit crew" and support from my family and friends and Dave is falling by the wayside. I will only have Dave with me at the hospital, and he's refused to stay the night (though I have asked and almost begged a few times). Things have been very tense with him and me lately, mostly due to my crazy emotions/dragon-lady-ness I imagine, but pet peeves getting to me and little frustrations getting blown way out of proportion. He can only take so much, too, even though he seems to be infinitely patient, and has been snapping back, or getting emotional as well (and maybe even depressed). He's been trying to be supportive by dieting, by lessening his caffeine intake, but my big goal is to get him to stop smoking... And that's pretty much keep getting shoved off the table more and more violently every time I ask. (He won't even try.... *heavy sigh*) I don't know why I even want to bother with poking him about it, but I do. I have been trying to stop that, though, but it's still there when he comes back inside from a smoke and gives me a kiss laced with nicotine and ashtray.
But the caffeine and diet thing is actually kind of incredible! He never was about the dieting before, but he sees all these steps I'm taking, and that for him to just lessen a little bit is good compared to the drastic changes I will be making. When the time comes, and when I get home, I'm sure it will be fine, since he is an amazing caretaker when he has to step up to the plate (when I've been drunk off my ass, or got food poisoning).
It kinda feels like I'm having a baby, lol!! Thank god I'm not actually though. I'm just popping out part of my stomach, not offspring.
In addition, with my emotional state being amped up, I have had even more social anxiety. I was hoping to meet a person and make a new friend over crafts this past weekend, and I copped out because I was TERRIFIED. Literally and irrationally terrified. I feel guilty and like I'm a disappointment, but I just don't feel like I can "handle it" right now. If I can get these emotions in check (to a degree), I can try and logic this sucker out. I used to be good at stepping back and objectively looking at my distorted thinking processes. Right now, it's like somebody went berserk with some steel wool on that plate of glass. (The plate of glass I could stand behind like an observer watching an interrogation in a crime drama.) That observer is getting sucked into the maelstrom.
I have some anxiety medications I can take on an as needed basis, but I don't know if this is just anxiety or what. I don't think that all this fallout could be from anxiety - but I know the anxiety isn't helping.
BLAH.
In other news, and this is probably distorted thinking, I have been feeling more and more lonely on this journey as I get close to the date. I feel like my "pit crew" and support from my family and friends and Dave is falling by the wayside. I will only have Dave with me at the hospital, and he's refused to stay the night (though I have asked and almost begged a few times). Things have been very tense with him and me lately, mostly due to my crazy emotions/dragon-lady-ness I imagine, but pet peeves getting to me and little frustrations getting blown way out of proportion. He can only take so much, too, even though he seems to be infinitely patient, and has been snapping back, or getting emotional as well (and maybe even depressed). He's been trying to be supportive by dieting, by lessening his caffeine intake, but my big goal is to get him to stop smoking... And that's pretty much keep getting shoved off the table more and more violently every time I ask. (He won't even try.... *heavy sigh*) I don't know why I even want to bother with poking him about it, but I do. I have been trying to stop that, though, but it's still there when he comes back inside from a smoke and gives me a kiss laced with nicotine and ashtray.
But the caffeine and diet thing is actually kind of incredible! He never was about the dieting before, but he sees all these steps I'm taking, and that for him to just lessen a little bit is good compared to the drastic changes I will be making. When the time comes, and when I get home, I'm sure it will be fine, since he is an amazing caretaker when he has to step up to the plate (when I've been drunk off my ass, or got food poisoning).
It kinda feels like I'm having a baby, lol!! Thank god I'm not actually though. I'm just popping out part of my stomach, not offspring.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Putzing along
So, I'm trying to organize my thoughts and helping my OCD along with lists. This is what I need to buy, this is what I need to do on this date and this date, no approximations, just give me the date-markers and give me some clear cut yes this, no that. I understand that "no that" is flexible and it's "if you can tolerate it", but I want to know the safest route possible!!
So, for example. Avoid starchy vegetables. 'Kaay... *looks up some extra info for herself...*
But see, that helps. I just want things as crystal clear as I can get. "What do I do in this scenario?" I guess I need to get a grip on the fact that they won't be able to hold my hand the whole way, and I need to start just making judgement calls. Just scaaaaaaaaaaaared. Already terrified about what I heard about dumping syndrome just now. TERROR.
I have a pre-surgery class scheduled for next Tuesday, and I have my pre-surgery physical with my primary care doctor this afternoon. I doubt anything will go amiss later, except I'm hoping she can take a look at my finger that I kinda killed last night. (I tried to catch a falling vase, not realizing it was already breaking on the way down, so it sliced my finger but good and it hurts to bend the finger now, soooo.... yeah. Kinda sad.) Lots of bloodwork and random tests, and I'm not exactly sure what's beyond that, so we'll see. I haven't weighed myself for about a week, so I'm not sure how I'm doing with that. I know I had gone up a little because of bingeing on M&Ms. But since I've been very good all week, maybe I'll be better now. Aaand I've been constipated, so that might be an additional weight concern, but yeah. Such excitement! Hardly.
Also, shopping for a recliner is the pits. Just sayin. And it's going to be a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch to haul upstairs.
So, for example. Avoid starchy vegetables. 'Kaay... *looks up some extra info for herself...*
But see, that helps. I just want things as crystal clear as I can get. "What do I do in this scenario?" I guess I need to get a grip on the fact that they won't be able to hold my hand the whole way, and I need to start just making judgement calls. Just scaaaaaaaaaaaared. Already terrified about what I heard about dumping syndrome just now. TERROR.
I have a pre-surgery class scheduled for next Tuesday, and I have my pre-surgery physical with my primary care doctor this afternoon. I doubt anything will go amiss later, except I'm hoping she can take a look at my finger that I kinda killed last night. (I tried to catch a falling vase, not realizing it was already breaking on the way down, so it sliced my finger but good and it hurts to bend the finger now, soooo.... yeah. Kinda sad.) Lots of bloodwork and random tests, and I'm not exactly sure what's beyond that, so we'll see. I haven't weighed myself for about a week, so I'm not sure how I'm doing with that. I know I had gone up a little because of bingeing on M&Ms. But since I've been very good all week, maybe I'll be better now. Aaand I've been constipated, so that might be an additional weight concern, but yeah. Such excitement! Hardly.
Also, shopping for a recliner is the pits. Just sayin. And it's going to be a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch to haul upstairs.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Minor updates
I don't have much to report, other than the fantastic news I received last Friday that my insurance approved me for the surgery! The turn around on that was so fast (~2 weeks), I'm kind of amazed. In other news, I've kind of fallen off the wagon with food, so to speak. I do well with all my meals, and have generally healthy snacks (if possibly one too many - but stuff like apples, carrots, bananas, grapes)...and have a random sweets binge. Like, serious binge - sit down and eat handfuls of m&ms. UGH. Not really sure why, other than easily accessible and not committing myself to having *healthy* sweets around - not only that, but eating them in moderation.
I don't know how much the binges relate to emotions, but I will be happy when I get an incredibly strict schedule for food/liquid intake after the surgery, so there will be no wiggle room for anything like m&ms or cookies or whatever else I dive for.
Unfortunately, I have been really depressed lately - having severe communication issues with Dave when I feel like I need to cling to him as my rock more than ever. My moods have been very volatile and swiftly changing lately (which isn't incredibly hard to believe considering I have a bipolar disorder, but usually it's maintained pretty well by the medications I take for it). I believe it's the stress, the weather, the "new addition" (I picked up a stray cat the weekend before last, and he's kind of squatting...it's like having a baby in the home, I swear). There's a variety of things. Money's always a factor, of course. Dave being distant, quiet, already knowing that he won't stay the night with me at the hospital, so I'll have 2 nights on my ownsome where my only company will be Beary (my stuffed bear that I've had for at least 20 years, and still have - even if he's worse for wear and missing most of the beans in his legs). I don't feel like I'm stocked up adequately - and I've been told to do so! But a lot of forum members (gastricsleeve.com) have said that things that they bought prior to surgery make them gag after surgery. Well, balls. So what's the point in stocking up? This I do not know.
In addition, I've been pondering a lot about juicing. I think it would be excellent for stage 2 of my diet - where I'm having "full" liquids - as a way to supplement protein shakes. I'm concerned about the dietary factors though - obviously the sugars & carbs that come out of it, and if it would be enough protein. Yes, it's better to eat the vegetables raw - I see that again and again and again. Except, yknow, I can't. Physically, I won't be able to for at least a month. Munching on kale? Forget it. Apple peels? Nope. All this ruffage that's good for you is going to too difficult to digest while my stomach's healing. Pretty much, I can't get a straight answer - how much does juicing help when your digestive capacities are incredibly limited - what are the nutritional proportions of the whole foods to juiced foods (obviously there is significant pulp removed after the juice goes through, so is it truly 1 carrot raw = 1 carrot juiced? I find that incredibly hard to believe). BAH. Dang fad diet having sketchy answers. I guess it's the diets that are grounded in cold hard facts are the ones that are going to last.
In other news, shopping for sippy cups, and trying to find ones that aren't completely absurd. No, I don't really want to take an absurd sippy cup to work, thank you. I'm going to have to start drinking it out of a brown paper bag out of shame.
I don't know how much the binges relate to emotions, but I will be happy when I get an incredibly strict schedule for food/liquid intake after the surgery, so there will be no wiggle room for anything like m&ms or cookies or whatever else I dive for.
Unfortunately, I have been really depressed lately - having severe communication issues with Dave when I feel like I need to cling to him as my rock more than ever. My moods have been very volatile and swiftly changing lately (which isn't incredibly hard to believe considering I have a bipolar disorder, but usually it's maintained pretty well by the medications I take for it). I believe it's the stress, the weather, the "new addition" (I picked up a stray cat the weekend before last, and he's kind of squatting...it's like having a baby in the home, I swear). There's a variety of things. Money's always a factor, of course. Dave being distant, quiet, already knowing that he won't stay the night with me at the hospital, so I'll have 2 nights on my ownsome where my only company will be Beary (my stuffed bear that I've had for at least 20 years, and still have - even if he's worse for wear and missing most of the beans in his legs). I don't feel like I'm stocked up adequately - and I've been told to do so! But a lot of forum members (gastricsleeve.com) have said that things that they bought prior to surgery make them gag after surgery. Well, balls. So what's the point in stocking up? This I do not know.
In addition, I've been pondering a lot about juicing. I think it would be excellent for stage 2 of my diet - where I'm having "full" liquids - as a way to supplement protein shakes. I'm concerned about the dietary factors though - obviously the sugars & carbs that come out of it, and if it would be enough protein. Yes, it's better to eat the vegetables raw - I see that again and again and again. Except, yknow, I can't. Physically, I won't be able to for at least a month. Munching on kale? Forget it. Apple peels? Nope. All this ruffage that's good for you is going to too difficult to digest while my stomach's healing. Pretty much, I can't get a straight answer - how much does juicing help when your digestive capacities are incredibly limited - what are the nutritional proportions of the whole foods to juiced foods (obviously there is significant pulp removed after the juice goes through, so is it truly 1 carrot raw = 1 carrot juiced? I find that incredibly hard to believe). BAH. Dang fad diet having sketchy answers. I guess it's the diets that are grounded in cold hard facts are the ones that are going to last.
In other news, shopping for sippy cups, and trying to find ones that aren't completely absurd. No, I don't really want to take an absurd sippy cup to work, thank you. I'm going to have to start drinking it out of a brown paper bag out of shame.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Family update
So, my mom has decided come hell or high water that she wants to come down and take care of me. It will be her solo, which is slightly less stressful. I've explained to her a good amount of the whole "look I can't eat solid foods when you come down, or even mushy foods," since she will be down on my birthday and I hope she won't be trying to get me cake. I was doing my best to offer to entertain her a bit, since I know she will probably be itching to go out, but she said no, I'm there to take care of you! So we'll see how well that sticks, lol. She is always so active... I'm going to have to queue up a bunch of stuff on Netflix or something. She is just coming down for the weekend (a week after my surgery), and it will be a nice change of pace other than just seeing Dave, as much as I love his face, I'm sure he will be glad from waiting on me.
I'm kind of excited, but y'know, kind of worried. Hopefully everything will go well.
In addition, I have another therapist appointment tomorrow. I don't really want to go (I never do it seems), and I'm not 100% cool with this new one, as she is very....timid? Not really going with the slightly erratic flow of my thought process? It's just a bit difficult, and a lot of concerned/sad face nodding, even when I make jokes as part of my coping-ness. I guess I don't really know what I want from her or what I'm looking to get out of therapy right now, so I'm not going in a good direction. I don't know if I'm really getting enough feedback from her to feel like it's making any difference... After appointments I've had with previous therapists, I have a lot to think about. With her, I don't really - I'm just walking back to my car.
>:|
In other news, I am hoping to make some friends! Hilarious, right? I have signed up on meetup.com to do a few things, but I've backed out of stuff because of (a) money, and (b) terror. And I can use A as an excuse to cover up B. Hooray, social anxiety...... Anyway, I'm supposed to hang out with a person and do some t-shirt upcycling/crafting, so that might be fun. Hopefully it will be...and hopefully I won't chicken out.
I'm kind of excited, but y'know, kind of worried. Hopefully everything will go well.
In addition, I have another therapist appointment tomorrow. I don't really want to go (I never do it seems), and I'm not 100% cool with this new one, as she is very....timid? Not really going with the slightly erratic flow of my thought process? It's just a bit difficult, and a lot of concerned/sad face nodding, even when I make jokes as part of my coping-ness. I guess I don't really know what I want from her or what I'm looking to get out of therapy right now, so I'm not going in a good direction. I don't know if I'm really getting enough feedback from her to feel like it's making any difference... After appointments I've had with previous therapists, I have a lot to think about. With her, I don't really - I'm just walking back to my car.
>:|
In other news, I am hoping to make some friends! Hilarious, right? I have signed up on meetup.com to do a few things, but I've backed out of stuff because of (a) money, and (b) terror. And I can use A as an excuse to cover up B. Hooray, social anxiety...... Anyway, I'm supposed to hang out with a person and do some t-shirt upcycling/crafting, so that might be fun. Hopefully it will be...and hopefully I won't chicken out.
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