So, lately my emotions have been ridiculously turbulent. (I have a type 2 bipolar disorder, as all as obsessive compulsive disorder.) Usually I am able to manage them with my medications, but lately - the past few weeks - it's been almost impossible. Unfortunately, Dave is usually the unintended victim of my vitriol and tears. I have been trying to figure out what exactly is making me feel this way, and I haven't gotten to the root of it yet.
In addition, with my emotional state being amped up, I have had even more social anxiety. I was hoping to meet a person and make a new friend over crafts this past weekend, and I copped out because I was TERRIFIED. Literally and irrationally terrified. I feel guilty and like I'm a disappointment, but I just don't feel like I can "handle it" right now. If I can get these emotions in check (to a degree), I can try and logic this sucker out. I used to be good at stepping back and objectively looking at my distorted thinking processes. Right now, it's like somebody went berserk with some steel wool on that plate of glass. (The plate of glass I could stand behind like an observer watching an interrogation in a crime drama.) That observer is getting sucked into the maelstrom.
I have some anxiety medications I can take on an as needed basis, but I don't know if this is just anxiety or what. I don't think that all this fallout could be from anxiety - but I know the anxiety isn't helping.
BLAH.
In other news, and this is probably distorted thinking, I have been feeling more and more lonely on this journey as I get close to the date. I feel like my "pit crew" and support from my family and friends and Dave is falling by the wayside. I will only have Dave with me at the hospital, and he's refused to stay the night (though I have asked and almost begged a few times). Things have been very tense with him and me lately, mostly due to my crazy emotions/dragon-lady-ness I imagine, but pet peeves getting to me and little frustrations getting blown way out of proportion. He can only take so much, too, even though he seems to be infinitely patient, and has been snapping back, or getting emotional as well (and maybe even depressed). He's been trying to be supportive by dieting, by lessening his caffeine intake, but my big goal is to get him to stop smoking... And that's pretty much keep getting shoved off the table more and more violently every time I ask. (He won't even try.... *heavy sigh*) I don't know why I even want to bother with poking him about it, but I do. I have been trying to stop that, though, but it's still there when he comes back inside from a smoke and gives me a kiss laced with nicotine and ashtray.
But the caffeine and diet thing is actually kind of incredible! He never was about the dieting before, but he sees all these steps I'm taking, and that for him to just lessen a little bit is good compared to the drastic changes I will be making. When the time comes, and when I get home, I'm sure it will be fine, since he is an amazing caretaker when he has to step up to the plate (when I've been drunk off my ass, or got food poisoning).
It kinda feels like I'm having a baby, lol!! Thank god I'm not actually though. I'm just popping out part of my stomach, not offspring.
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