9 month Follow-Up - and what I've learned

I had my 9 month follow-up appointment today. I went by myself, because I wanted to make sure I really talked one-on-one with the RN that I've been seeing for my follow-ups (Rose). And what I had been "fearing most" came true - I had only lost 2-3 pounds in the past 3 months. How, you ask? Lack of exercise, too many carbs, falling into bad habits like grazing (sorta) and emotional eating and/or out of boredom. We talked about all these things, and a few others, and of course realizing these things is half the battle. Now I've just got to kick my butt into gear and get back to walking, to the gym, to whatever. Get back to protein! I have been craving Special K lately, which is all well and good, except...not protein. They have a Special K Protein, but it's not the same as having a piece of chicken. When I eat dinner, it's generally just meat...and maybe something on the side, if I can eat it (like a little bit of potato, pasta, veg.).

I have been severely slacking on my protein.

So, anyway, now that I'm this far out, here's some of the things that I've learned:

1. It will pass. My hair thinning stabilized and I believe it's growing back. There are still times I eye my wigs optimistically, wishing I was able to put them on with better results, but I don't feel embarrassed about my hair anymore.

2. It will pass. The things they say you can't do - for example, gulp things, or eat fast - you can do. Gulping liquids I have done and do do on a semi-regular basis. Eating fast I do do as well - but that you pay for, and you know it. But you don't end up having to eat at a snail's pace if you don't want - just be cognizant of the fact that it's an "at your own risk" situation.

3. Exercise. You need it, I need it. It's a major reason a lot of us sleevers ended up in this situation! So get off your derriere and get moving! Walking is especially good.

4. Stop making excuses. I can make an excuse for anything it seems - having a broken finger to deal with for the past 2 months or so has been difficult. Dave having lost my keytag for Planet Fitness made going to the gym...complicated. So, I haven't been to the gym in quite some time.

And there are other things, of course, that I can't think of off the top of my head. But there are other "exciting" details to get on to -

I have been working on making some friends in my area. It's been...mildly successful? Anyway, one of the ladies I've made friends with recently had an Roux-En-Y gastric bypass surgery. I don't know if she has a full program with the doctor she did it with, but it doesn't seem like it. She's only a few months out and kind of eating whatever she wants. She's had alcohol, and soda. And I'm like O_O whaaaaaaaaaaat. I've been absolutely 'straight edge hard core' about that. In my mind, there was the one year ban. So I'm wondering how she's doing it. I'm worried about her a little, and I talk to her about my journey, so I'm helping I can be a positive support for her.

Additionally, something that's been stressing me out (other than everything? lolz) is that I'm starting up as an official crafter again, with my spanky rebooted Etsy shop. Which you can check out here: The Salvaged Soiree. Buy something, huh? I do crafts for stress relief - though lately I'm so stressed just trying to figure out what people like! But you can only make so many pairs of earrings for yourself. Trust me. I have over 100 pairs of earrings, and I think maybe two of those are ones I've made. Hence, selling! Somebody gets to have something pretty, my crafting is validated, and the money goes toward crafting...more... Pretty much, yeah.

Easter is coming up shortly - a little bit of drama with that, but it is what it is. I will just be happy to see my parents and spend time with my mom. And dye eggs. <3

Holiday Recovery & Follow-up Appointment.

So, a holiday recap. This is how you handle the holidays successfully after bariatric surgery:

You don't.

The holidays were tough. With every one of them, I ate too much and was overly full and feeling slightly nauseous. I've been lucky that I rarely vomit, though, so that may have been what kept me going. That, and taking lots of precautionary/reactionary meds - Prilosec, Promethazine, Tums, and Gas-X. (I don't know if it really matters - and I think it does - but I use mint-flavored tums and the dissolvable mint gas-x strips. I find that mint flavor generally soothes my stomach, even if it's a complete placebo effect.) Even eating minimally, I still ate too fast. "OMG this is so good!!! *snarf snarf snarf*"

And that's becoming a bigger problem for me... But I'll get to that.

In addition, there's the cookies. Oh glorious, glorious cookies. I made some as usual, though a lot less than normal. (Pretty much nobody got a full tin, though I did bring plates kinda sorta everywhere.) I did do a good amount of grazing, but nowhere near as I used to eat. Still! It was risky. I was about 6 months out, and that was when I should have been only starting on breads/rice/pasta/potatoes... But I did ok. If I ate too many, I had diarrhea from all the sugar and fats. As usual, your body will tell you when you're eating what you shouldn't - either quantity or "quality."

Overall I came out all right. I did more binging (eating lots, and fast) than I hoped I would, which has tapered off significantly after the holidays. I think a lot of that was derived from stress. Emotional eating is a hard thing to remove from your life, but I think as time goes on, I am having more and more success. The most important thing about that is to be mindful.

___________________

In other news, I had my 6 month follow-up! Ended up being more like 7, because I had to reschedule, but whatever. I weighed in at 195, which is 60 lbs since my official weigh-in at surgery! Pretty proud of myself. Some of my vitamin levels are still low (the same ones - B1 and B12), but I have been falling behind on taking those a bit. >_< My liver enzymes were still a bit high, but we'll just keep watching those.

Clothing is still kind of wonky, but I'm fitting into my own skin a bit better, which is nice. I got some gift cards for Avenue & Kohl's for Christmas. I'm so-so on the Avenue stuff, since I'm getting close to the bottom of their sizing (and their stuff runs large anyway), but I'm sure I can work it! :)

The Thanksgiving Challenge

So, after I long absence, I return! With a summary of the most eating-focused holiday here in the US - Thanksgiving. A day where we fill ourselves until we feel like we're going to burst. And, in my case, two days - one for my family, one for Dave's.

The biggest problem I had was the excessive odd looks and questions about the tiny amount on my plate, and having to pass up on a lot of things. "You're not going to have sweet potatoes? No rolls? No stuffing? No XYZ?" Especially at Dave's family get-together. Thankfully I was at the "kid's table," so I only had a few people looking at the meager portion on my plate. (A slice of turkey and a slice of ham.) At my family's celebration, I nabbed a smaller plate so I would be more satisfied with how it looked. No one really paid any mind - though I think I will just need to get used to the fact that I will always and forever have people raising a literal or figurative eyebrow at my absurdly small portion sizes.

Regardless - I made it through! Just focused on the meats - which is what Thanksgiving is really about, right? The turkey - the lovely, lovely turkey. I did, however, have wayyy too much pumpkin mousse for dessert at my parents'. I ate it too fast, more importantly... so I felt queasy, but didn't actually end up with vomiting or diarrhea. So that worked out well.

The only big issue I had was on the way up to my parents' Thanksgiving, we stopped at Cabela's (an outdoors store) and ate at their cafe. I had a bison bratwurst, which was tasty if a bit spicy for my taste. (Also, I accidentally took a wee bite of the bun, which I mostly spit out, lol. I had a moment of OSHI-- and then took out the bits that were distinguishable.) Thankfully, I took pretty much everything I had - two Gas-X dissolvable strips and 2 Tums Freshers. One or two trips to the bathroom resulted just in gas, but still, I felt better. Better enough to make it the next two hours to the house! So that's what really matters.

I'm getting better at some things, but not everything. I'm doing my best, and puttering along.

Also, just recently I broke 200!! I'm kind of ecstatic - and hoping it will stay on the downward path of course.

Lastly, buying clothes has been very difficult... Still pretty much can't find pants at all. It's a good thing I'm ok with wearing skirts, but even those... I used to wear patterned tights all the time, and even those are too big now. UGH. There is so much clothing I need, and can't afford. Money is pretty tight right now - Dave's having issues getting work secured steadily, especially when his full-time gig pooped out for 3 weeks or so. Events getting cancelled. Ugh, who knows. Frustrating, though, to say the least! Thankfully I'm making almost everything, and working with cheap supplies for the most part. Sadly, it means everyone is getting something not on a wishlist, but hopefully will still be enjoyed.

Getting inside my head (aka psychiatrist appointment)

Yesterday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist. I asked Dave to drive me there/go with me, so that I would be forced to go and not be so anxious that I would flake out. The appointment went...well? It amazes me how incredibly different counselors can approach something - and the more I go to, the more I wonder if it's even worth it. (I asked Dave in the car on the way home - why do I go to therapists? It's a broad question, but I'm not really sure about the answer.)

Anyway, the main reason I made the appointment was that I have been having INCREDIBLE social anxiety. I go to work no problem, and can go out to the store or even the gym without any problems. But that's really because I don't have to interact with anyone.

The anxiety has been increasing because, as was kind of "revealed" during the session, I don't really have a support network. The few friends I have, I don't speak to enough, and when I do, I'm not sure if it's anything that would be directly supportive (?) of my new stomach and life. (I honestly don't know what "directly supportive" would be, and if that's even what would be needed in a support network.) I also don't talk to my parents/family that much. And I'm not really sure why on that either. I think just being depressed* has made me retreat into my shell and not really want to talk to anyone that's not absolutely present/that I kinda have to talk to. So, in short, my support network is kinda Dave. Which leads to the depression thing.

*So, being depressed. Nothing new, right? Definitely not for me. Dave has been working a lot at this new full-time job. I'm proud that he has a full-time job, and what seems like steady employ. He's still doing catering. But he works incredibly long hours during his full-time job, and long hours catering on weekends, so I feel like I hardly get to see him. Sometimes he averages getting home around 7-8 (I get home at 4:30). I tend to doze off starting around 10, so that's what, 2-3 hours to spend with him? He's generally preoccupied with solo activities, like sorting/rearranging MtG cards/decks. So I just do whatever, dootz around. Then on the weekends, he'll sleep in late, then have to leave out mid-afternoon for catering. We haven't been spending quality time together, interacting, actually talking about what's going on in our lives. It feels very...separate. I think a large part of it is we are both going through a period of adjustment with the full-time job thing. But I know there is a significant part in his head that believes that he started working full-time because of me, for me. Not in a sweet way, but more in a martyr-y way - like I forced him into it. I really want to dispel that belief, but I don't know if it's going to happen ever.

UGH. So, yeah. Depression. Sorry for the tangent... I could go on forever.

Back to the social anxiety. It really revolves a lot about spending time with people generally involves eating. We are a culture that revolves around food! Hanging out with friends, ordering pizza or chinese, hanging out. Welp, can't eat that. I feel singled out, by myself. This is something I thought about a goodly amount right after the surgery, and I am kind of re-realizing it now. I'm kind of alone on this journey - it's me and my body and mind trying to cope with all these changes. Though there is support available, if I take advantage of it, my skepticism, depression, bipolar, cynicism, and incredibly low self esteem make me distrust what people might say - it's not genuine, it's just token "I know how you feel." Every person has to undergo this journey themselves - even with support, it's still you and your body. No one else is that person.

My support network is crumbly and sad. Not having Dave around that much, and realizing that I don't really have anyone else there, is kind of a wake-up call. I really want to start connecting with my family and friends more, even if they aren't close by. I want to really try and make new friends, though the whole thing is pretty terrifying and angst-inducing for me. So having the support network for this is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. Especially if you have pre-existing mental health problems, like I do. All these things that come down the pike, and you think you're prepared...you're not, really.

So, I finally had some issues

(By the way - I don't know if any of you have recognized this, but I have a predisposition to starting posts, paragraphs, sentences with "So,". I know it's pretty unnecessary, but it's how I do! How. I. Do.)

Saturday night, I started having some diarrhea after having the soup. I'm guessing it's due to the richness of it? But I also had other new things - caffeine (Earl Grey and generic Lipton tea) as well as Equal. I know you're not supposed to try more than one thing at a time, but obviously I was like "ha~, my stomach's been complacent/compliant/etc, so I'll be all good!". Yeah, no. So, my stomach woes continued through Sunday morning and throughout the day.

Our (Dave and my) original schedule for the day was to go to lunch with my friend, check out my sister's new digs, and then head up to Manhattan for a concert he was playing at a club on the Lower East Side. Well! I had already had trouble being carsick on the way up, which has never happened to me in my life. With the stomach troubles continuing, there was just no way I was going to be able to make the haul up to NYC (2 hrs), hang out in a club, then 2 hrs back, or 5 hrs if we went directly from NYC home (and get home like 1 am). Since I was home, I wouldn't've been able to just have Dave drive my car - and something I probably wouldn't have done anyway. My dad would have wigged. out. if Dave drove my car. And I would've been wigging out too, since he's still a pretty green driver and New York City was treacherous for me, and I'm seasoned and savvy. So all the plans got jumbled up, like they were thrown in a hat and shaken by a five-year-old. What ended up happening was we hung out with my friend at her house instead of going out to lunch (I was sticking to clear fluids, so at least I followed those instructions for post-stomach-upset), then came back and packed up the car, then drove Dave up to the Hamilton New Jersey Transit station so he could take the Northeast Corridor train up into NY Penn Station, then take the F train over to the club. This is of course all with his guitar and amp and clothes - generally this that and the other thing. He has never had a case for his electric guitar, so we managed to find a case at home (thank god for pseudo-musicians in the family!), though it was an incredibly poor fit and made his guitar bang around. So it was padded with all his crap. Needless to say, he was lugging around some serious weight. After the concert, he had dinner at The Meatball Shop, then hopped back on the train and headed over to the Javits Center to pick up a Megabus at 11 (pm) to come back to Baltimore directly. While he was doing his things, I drove back from the Hamilton station and checked out my sister's new digs, then drove home on 40, the more circuitous/pokey route, so I would be able to stop pretty much any time if I needed to. It ended up taking me a lot longer to get home than expected, but I survived. I also pre-emptively took an anti-nausea pill, full well expecting the car sickness to return. Then I dootzed around at home, fell asleep for about an hour, then woke up again at 1:30 to go pick up Dave from the bus stop in White Marsh at 2:20 am. Dave's friend crapped out on us (no surprise to me, but whatever - it's hard to earn my trust back once it's been fractured and then broken), who is always a night owl and would've been much better to pick him up. Oh no, drag Laura out, who is feeling like crap and has driven 5 hours today, to go pick up her boyfriend, because she's loving and responsible. Bahhhhh.

Sooo, that saga's over, though I slept til 11 today. I slept on the recliner because Dave was kind of whining/minorly complaining about how he wants a King or California King sized bed because he wants to have the option to cuddle with me or to stretch the f-- out. Right now, we have a full. Since he had quite an exhausting journey with the concert and schlepping probably a total of 50 lbs of weight around New York, I told him to just take the bed and I'd plop on the recliner. I woke up briefly a few times to find my cat Disa sleeping on me in multiple positions, which I loved very much. She's my oldest cat (6 yrs old), and is the sweetest most loving girl ever. She's a tabby/Bengal mix, and since Bengals are supposed to have a slightly longer lifespan, I'm hoping she'll live forever.

I'm feeling slightly better today, though wary to go back to my purees, which is what stage I was at. I'm sick of the clear liquids (I'm not a fan of drinking bottles of Isopure Zero Carb at length, since it gives me bad breath and puts a weird film on my teeth), and definitely want to take advantage of these smoothie recipes and juicing and etc etc.

There's more I want to post about, but this post is getting excessively long, so I will try and resume later after people have had a chance to sit back and not listen to my rambling.

Ta for now!

First "dinner" out

Tonight was my mom's 60th birthday party, with fancy food and etc. I ended up bringing a thermos of lobster bisque that my mom had bought. It was a test for eating at a restaurant with other people... and I think I did really well. It was weird sitting through the bread and salad.... but I managed. My soup was ok, though I had issues later (went through me pretty quickly). I just will be glad to have some solid food.

10 Days Post-Surgery

Today is my birthday, and I am 10 days post-op. I am feeling fine, though I have been physically over-exerting myself and need to take it down a notch. I went shopping with my mom yesterday for 4 hours (I didn't want to be out that long, that's for damn sure), and then at night I went to bend over to pick up my cat and it hurt like HELL. I kinda stayed pretty still after that to try and avoid any more pain, and had some of the heavier dutier pain killers. I have been trying to stick to liquid tylenol, so that I can do stuff and not end up sleeping all the time, but end up taking the liquid percocet when I'm sorer (usually the half dose).

Food has been pretty much the same thing day to day - protein shakes, powerade, iced tea. I tried making the amazing avocado egg salad last night, only thinned down with some chicken broth and pureed within an inch of it's life, and it just wasn't so hot. Not sure if it's salvageable, or if it's just the consistency, but I was pretty optimistic.

Like I said, today's my birthday. Last night we celebrated in small fashion with a jello "cake" with vanilla pudding in the middle and a little candle on top. It didn't sit so pretty (would've been better in a parfait glass, but I wasn't the one who made it), but the candle stood up in it long enough to get through a quick singing of Happy Birthday and for me to blow it out.

Dave has been worried (which he just expressed) in my growing obsessing over food - recipes, classes, etc. I can't tell if it's because I have to obsess about food anyway kinda sorta? Or if it's really I WANT FOOOOOD.... I am definitely mourning food and having head hunger and true hunger pangs that I can't seem to get rid of with distraction or protein. So I'm seeking help out on the forums, to see if they have any p's and q's. Maybe I'm drinking too fast? I've been using my sippy cup whenever possible. Maybe I'm eating too fast? I haven't had anything come up. Soooo... I don't know. Frustrating, though.

Anyway, not feeling so great today - depressed, among other things, and just want to crawl in a hole. Or lay down on the bed and cry. Except I can't lay down on the bed, cause I'd never get back up - I'm still sleeping in the recliner since the bed is so low. Sigh.

Two days out

It's two days since my surgery, and I'm feeling..okay. Thursday, the day of surgery, I felt pretty good, somehow. Then Friday, that went kind of poorly. My sister was there, which was great. We got to do a lot talking and hanging out. Dave's mom and gradmom came over for a bit and brought flowers and a card, which was sweet. But then I started feeling kinda nauseous and with a low fever.. I couldn't get comfortable... The whole thing was kind of a mess. I was a mess. Also, my nurse for the evening, when I was at my worst, was pretty sub-par and clearly didn't give a crap.

I slept very poorly, and got up around 5:30 because it just wasn't happening. Thankfully, the nurse tht took over was probably the nicest one I'd had thus far. So she got me all set up, especially with some anti-nausea and pain killers (since they had lapsed significantly).

Around 11:30 or so, Dr. Liao came in and removed my drain, and did a check on the rest of my incision sites. Having the drain removed was not as awful as I was led to believe by other forum members and/or other bloggers/vloggers. Felt weird as hell when the end finally popped out, but comparatively not that bad.

I got home just after noon or so today. My sister stayed for a few hours to just hang out, which was all very nice still :) I'm so glad she was able to come down. Dave has also already been amazing. Both of them have been like DRINK DRINK DRINK...but unfortunately it's getting to the point where I'm too full and start hiccuping (which is unpleasant, as is to be expected). I was also incredibly sleepy after having taken some liquid Percocet, and have been ever since, though it should be out of my system by now. I'm going to probably take some of the liquid tylenol instead. It's just so weird being almost narcoleptic like this. Dozing off while holding my sippy cup, dozing mid-text message, dozing right now sitting up-right at the desk as I'm writing this.... It truly is absurd and slightly disturbing.

However, I'm trying to stay on top of it. I haven't felt nauseous at all since being home, I've passed gas (which is a yay, actually), had a poop (also yay, though I have no idea what it's coming from since I haven't had any food since Monday and I'm pretty sure I got it "all out of the way"), made it up the stairs to our 3rd floor apartment without any problem.

I can definitely see why they want you to take off 3 weeks.... Ugh. *so weary*

Ok, will try to post something more...meaty?  next time - something more than just a recap.

Excitement! 3 days until the surgery

I got a call from my doctor today with my surgery time. I am scheduled to have surgery at 10:00 am this Thursday, June 27, 2013. I have to be there 2 hours early - no surprise there. Tomorrow I start my clear liquids for 48 hrs, which will probably be tough - they said it would be, since you aren't getting rid of any hunger hormones yet. So, my big ol stomach is gonna be filled with big ol water, powerade zero, and isopure... Weeee............

Talked some more with my family about arrangements for later this week, and gathering together what they can bring, if they want to send something. For example, sugar free jello, pudding, unsweetened applesauce, empty jars that can hold liquids, popsicle molds, etc. Dave went out grocery shopping to pick up some of the things I needed, and kinda failed. :( I didn't write things in exact detail on my grocery list, since I thought I was going out - I knew what I meant. Case of Powerade Zero Grape? By that I meant an 8-pack or two of the bottles in the plastic wrap. Dave came back with a literal case of the large bottles. Works well, and is sweet and endearing that he goofed, but still - unnecessary. Unsweetened applesauce? Picked up mini cups. I meant to get it in a large jar, since I will need to be using it daily for taking medications, and I probably won't be finishing a little cup doing that, even with doing medications in the morning and evening. 

Anyway, he is trying, and I thanked him and piled on appreciation for his attempts. It's going to be a bumpy ride - but we're both learning, and we're a good team, so we'll keep on keepin' on. :)

Family updates & Shopping

I've sort of "rounded up" the people that will be visiting me in the hospital. Dave's mom and grandmom will probably be there, as well as his friend Mani and possibly his friend Rick (and possibly his respective wife Masha). I realized that even if it is kind of a "crew," it's not anyone I really wanted. I'm scared, and I want my mom. Yep, basic child-based instincts. But it's true! No one in my nuclear family has gone in for major surgery and stayed 2 days in the hospital. I believe when my mom had her hysterectomy, she might have been in overnight one night, but I don't think it was more than that. (I was pretty young, so I can't remember.) 

So I sent my mom an email, more or less begging her to come down. And then I completely forgot that they had a scheduled vacation...that they were leaving for very early the next day (after my surgery). She suggested I reschedule it or postpone it. It's too late in the game for that, really - I'm just waiting on what time my actual surgery is going to take place. But then she talked to my sister about it, and she is happy to come down! She's coming down Friday (the day after), which is fine - I'm sure I won't be all "heyoooo" the first day, since I'll most likely be sleeping a good amount. I'm really glad she's coming - and she's even voiced some support, which means so, so much to me. I am so happy that I'll have "one of my own" with me. 

*sniffle, wibble*

Ok, onto other news. I ordered a goodly amount of supplies for myself: EZ Sweetz liquid stevia (holy cow, the ratios on that are ABSURD), 5 lbs of almond flour, a pill crusher obliterator, liquid tylenol, Wellesse liquid calcium supplement, and a B12 sublingual (dissolves under the tongue) tablet. In addition, I picked up some additional protein shakes, some Isopure, some Powerade. GEARING UP. Still need a recliner, though - finding one in my ideal price range is very difficult. In addition, I stopped into GNC (yet again) today, and picked up some Lean Shake 25 packets for emergency work protein (lol~), some protein bars (specifically PowerCrunch Protein Energy Bar Original - Wild Berry Creme; QuestBar Natural Protein Bar - Lemon Cream Pie (for Dave); NuGo Slim Brownie Crunch; NuGo Slim Raspberry Truffle; Kind Nuts & Spices - Madagascar Vanilla Almond), protein pudding from MHP (Maximum Human Performance), and a box of Atkins Day Break Oatmeal Cinnamon Baked Square[s]. AAAND I got all that stuff from GNC just now for just over $12 (p.s. there is tax on food in MD). Hooray, savvy shopping to the max! Seriously. I can't really afford all these fancy-to-do protein supplements and bars and whatevs, so I gotta get the cheaps when I can.  I am really excited to try these out and give you guys a report back. I've enjoyed the Quest Bars recently (I believe I had Apple Pie and Chocolate Brownie), so I may review those while I'm at it. But some of these are ones where I've tried the brand before and coming back to explore other flavors. Neat how I do that, huh? ;)

Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night

So, lately my emotions have been ridiculously turbulent. (I have a type 2 bipolar disorder, as all as obsessive compulsive disorder.) Usually I am able to manage them with my medications, but lately - the past few weeks - it's been almost impossible. Unfortunately, Dave is usually the unintended victim of my vitriol and tears. I have been trying to figure out what exactly is making me feel this way, and I haven't gotten to the root of it yet.

In addition, with my emotional state being amped up, I have had even more social anxiety. I was hoping to meet a person and make a new friend over crafts this past weekend, and I copped out because I was TERRIFIED. Literally and irrationally terrified. I feel guilty and like I'm a disappointment, but I just don't feel like I can "handle it" right now. If I can get these emotions in check (to a degree), I can try and logic this sucker out. I used to be good at stepping back and objectively looking at my distorted thinking processes. Right now, it's like somebody went berserk with some steel wool on that plate of glass. (The plate of glass I could stand behind like an observer watching an interrogation in a crime drama.) That observer is getting sucked into the maelstrom.

I have some anxiety medications I can take on an as needed basis, but I don't know if this is just anxiety or what. I don't think that all this fallout could be from anxiety - but I know the anxiety isn't helping.

BLAH.

In other news, and this is probably distorted thinking, I have been feeling more and more lonely on this journey as I get close to the date. I feel like my "pit crew" and support from my family and friends and Dave is falling by the wayside. I will only have Dave with me at the hospital, and he's refused to stay the night (though I have asked and almost begged a few times). Things have been very tense with him and me lately, mostly due to my crazy emotions/dragon-lady-ness I imagine, but pet peeves getting to me and little frustrations getting blown way out of proportion. He can only take so much, too, even though he seems to be infinitely patient, and has been snapping back, or getting emotional as well (and maybe even depressed). He's been trying to be supportive by dieting, by lessening his caffeine intake, but my big goal is to get him to stop smoking... And that's pretty much keep getting shoved off the table more and more violently every time I ask. (He won't even try.... *heavy sigh*) I don't know why I even want to bother with poking him about it, but I do. I have been trying to stop that, though, but it's still there when he comes back inside from a smoke and gives me a kiss laced with nicotine and ashtray.

But the caffeine and diet thing is actually kind of incredible! He never was about the dieting before, but he sees all these steps I'm taking, and that for him to just lessen a little bit is good compared to the drastic changes I will be making. When the time comes, and when I get home, I'm sure it will be fine, since he is an amazing caretaker when he has to step up to the plate (when I've been drunk off my ass, or got food poisoning).

It kinda feels like I'm having a baby, lol!! Thank god I'm not actually though. I'm just popping out part of my stomach, not offspring.

Pre-Surgery Physical & Insurance News

So, my pre-surgery physical went fine. When I was at the doctor, though, I heard from the office manager, and she said they had received my official insurance approval from Aetna (my provider) for 1 day [surgical]. Uhhhh, what? SOOO needless to say, I freaked out a bit. (I am supposed to have surgery June 27, and get release on the 29th - so one day surgery, plus two days.) I attempted to call the surgeon's office, but unfortunately the lines were tied up. I was able to leave a message, though. So I've been concerned about this all weekend.

Well, this morning on the way into work, I got a call from their office. Amanda, the "financials lady" as I refer to her, explained to me that the way it works is that the insurance does the 1 day (or they put in for the one day), and then the nurses at the hospital take care of squaring the extra days away with the insurance. On the approval letter, though, it did say that if additional time is needed, it can be requested blah-blah-blah (can't remember it off the top of my head). Sooo, that must be how that works! What a relief.

So, tomorrow is my pre-surgery class. I'm kind of nervous about it and want to try and think of all the questions I may have. There is such a wealth of information they give you, it's hard to remember it all. I pretty much have to write everything down in notes to myself, starred in margins, lol. I'm also typing up my post-op dietary regiment for my mom to review, so that it's very clear to her what I can and can't do. She was saying to bring vegetables up, and I'm like uhhh, no, not yet.I will still be on the full liquids part of the diet after that. But I do want to share this to make it really clear.. for her, Dave, and anyone else who wants to or needs to know.

Family update

So, my mom has decided come hell or high water that she wants to come down and take care of me. It will be her solo, which is slightly less stressful. I've explained to her a good amount of the whole "look I can't eat solid foods when you come down, or even mushy foods," since she will be down on my birthday and I hope she won't be trying to get me cake. I was doing my best to offer to entertain her a bit, since I know she will probably be itching to go out, but she said no, I'm there to take care of you! So we'll see how well that sticks, lol. She is always so active... I'm going to have to queue up a bunch of stuff on Netflix or something. She is just coming down for the weekend (a week after my surgery), and it will be a nice change of pace other than just seeing Dave, as much as I love his face, I'm sure he will be glad from waiting on me.

I'm kind of excited, but y'know, kind of worried. Hopefully everything will go well.

In addition, I have another therapist appointment tomorrow. I don't really want to go (I never do it seems), and I'm not 100% cool with this new one, as she is very....timid? Not really going with the slightly erratic flow of my thought process? It's just a bit difficult, and a lot of concerned/sad face nodding, even when I make jokes as part of my coping-ness. I guess I don't really know what I want from her or what I'm looking to get out of therapy right now, so I'm not going in a good direction. I don't know if I'm really getting enough feedback from her to feel like it's making any difference... After appointments I've had with previous therapists, I have a lot to think about. With her, I don't really - I'm just walking back to my car.

>:|

In other news, I am hoping to make some friends! Hilarious, right? I have signed up on meetup.com to do a few things, but I've backed out of stuff because of (a) money, and (b) terror. And I can use A as an excuse to cover up B. Hooray, social anxiety...... Anyway, I'm supposed to hang out with a person and do some t-shirt upcycling/crafting, so that might be fun. Hopefully it will be...and hopefully I won't chicken out.

Family & Friends After Surgery

I haven't talked to my parents yet about my surgery date. I'm definitely ready to do that (as ready as I can be), but I'm not really sure where to go from here. I don't know when I would want them - or my mom, specifically - to come. During my surgery? Right when I come home? Maybe the weekend or something after it? I really don't know.... I don't know which would be less traumatic and more helpful. If there is even any time that would be helpful - to me or her. Frustrating. I know I want her support, and I know she wants to support me, but what can she do? Sit here while I sip on water slowly every 30 minutes? Walk around the block? It's almost more stressful for me to have her here because I'll be worrying about all the things that are wrong with the area I live in, and in the apartment.

Sigh. Haven't told them yet until I figure out what to do.... So I gotta make it quick.

Progress!

So, I had my appointment with the cardiologist last week so I could get cardiac clearance for the surgery.. Of course I am totally fine, and the first EKG was a false read. (I know I don't have heart problems, and he did the full run down, and said my heart was very healthy, etc.) So I made sure the results would get sent over to the COMP office (Comprehensive Obesity Management Program), so I could get my appointment scheduled with the surgeon... I have been going round and round trying to get these referrals and get this appointment which would have been completely unnecessary had my primary care doctor just agreed to do a comparison and sign-off on my heart being healthy and happy.

ANYHOO.

I had to wait to hear back. After they got the paperwork, the nurse still had to evaluate it. Then the waiting game, or, well really, waiting beside the phone.

I got the call from the nurse Friday that my EKG is fine, and that the only thing I still needed (loooord) was a letter written from my therapist saying that I'm under her care. This is because in my psychological clearance exam, the doctor wrote that I should continue seeing my therapist (which I had actually taken a break from, since I couldn't afford to go to the appointments during her office hours without a severe impact on my pay). I already had an appointment with her, but it was the later in the day after the surgeon appointment would be...so I bumped that up. But, I have a date with the surgeon! Now, not actually a surgery date, just an appointment with the surgeon and the woman who takes care of the financials to schedule a tentative surgery date and submit my packet of documentation to the insurance company. Then they allow 30-45 days to process it, so I think I'm looking at a possible June or July surgery date.

I am so, so, so glad that I finally got that appointment scheduled....It's about friggin time. However, now the real terror sets in. I am really scared. I wasn't sure what I was scared about - I took a step back and tried to analyze it. It's not the surgery itself - I am actually not that scared of being in the hospital, since (A) the COMP group is located in GBMC and since I've had so much testing, I have been in the hospital very often lately, and (B) my ex had lymphoma, so I spent a lot of time with him in the hospital as well (and he being in my surgical circumstances obviously). I'm not scared of going under the knife because I'll be out.. I am always incredibly careful about following doctors' orders. So when they say only clear liquids for 48 hours beforehand? 10-freaking-4. I know that it's in my best interest to follow the rules.... I've always been a "good girl" like that.

I think what I am scared of is everything after. The vomiting (which won't necessarily happen, but is likely as I adjust to what my 'pouch' can handle). The teeny tiny amount of food I'll be able to have. For the first 48 hours after I get home (after being in the hospital for 2 days), I will still be on clear liquids, that I have to take in at 4 oz (1/2 cup) every 30 minutes, without a straw or gulping. I'm going to have a lot of gaseous pressure in my torso from the air (or whatever gas) is pumped into me to allow the laproscopic instruments maneuverability around all my organs - that could be incredibly painful - but I just need to get up and get moving, walking, jumping up and down, laying upside down in an arm chair or something...lol. I've seen some interesting tips on gastricsleeve.com. Then after that, it's such a strict regiment. I know I can follow it, though it will most likely be super expensive with buying so many protein supplements and other vitamins and nutritional add-ons. I'm just worried about what will happen if I mess up... What if my pouch were to rupture? Or more vomiting? I don't mind the not losing weight like zip-zap-zoom, if that's the cost of messing up, but I don't want to be incredibly unhealthy and feeling like I'm on my death bed. :C

Arrggghhhh. >_<

Talked to my family about it a bit more this weekend, hopefully my mom and/or dad and/or sister will come down and spend a weekend with me - though who knows. I am hoping I can get my surgery scheduled around July 4th, so I can take advantage of the holiday when factoring in my time off. However, my mom's 60th birthday is July 13th, and we are hoping to throw her a decent shindig, aaand I'm kind of the main party planner, so it might be a little nutzy. I could still have my surgery at the end of June, though, and then have a week or two of time off before the party, and still incorporate the holiday... All trying to get this planned out to straddle pay periods so I stay in pay status long enough to keep my health insurance! I am going to be as logical as I can be - no need to not have plans in place.

<3 All for now, it's long enough. Ciao~