Recent pic

Also, let me post a [very] recent picture - as in, taken in the last 24 hours. Sorry it's blurry - that's my boyfriend for ya.

Holiday Recovery & Follow-up Appointment.

So, a holiday recap. This is how you handle the holidays successfully after bariatric surgery:

You don't.

The holidays were tough. With every one of them, I ate too much and was overly full and feeling slightly nauseous. I've been lucky that I rarely vomit, though, so that may have been what kept me going. That, and taking lots of precautionary/reactionary meds - Prilosec, Promethazine, Tums, and Gas-X. (I don't know if it really matters - and I think it does - but I use mint-flavored tums and the dissolvable mint gas-x strips. I find that mint flavor generally soothes my stomach, even if it's a complete placebo effect.) Even eating minimally, I still ate too fast. "OMG this is so good!!! *snarf snarf snarf*"

And that's becoming a bigger problem for me... But I'll get to that.

In addition, there's the cookies. Oh glorious, glorious cookies. I made some as usual, though a lot less than normal. (Pretty much nobody got a full tin, though I did bring plates kinda sorta everywhere.) I did do a good amount of grazing, but nowhere near as I used to eat. Still! It was risky. I was about 6 months out, and that was when I should have been only starting on breads/rice/pasta/potatoes... But I did ok. If I ate too many, I had diarrhea from all the sugar and fats. As usual, your body will tell you when you're eating what you shouldn't - either quantity or "quality."

Overall I came out all right. I did more binging (eating lots, and fast) than I hoped I would, which has tapered off significantly after the holidays. I think a lot of that was derived from stress. Emotional eating is a hard thing to remove from your life, but I think as time goes on, I am having more and more success. The most important thing about that is to be mindful.

___________________

In other news, I had my 6 month follow-up! Ended up being more like 7, because I had to reschedule, but whatever. I weighed in at 195, which is 60 lbs since my official weigh-in at surgery! Pretty proud of myself. Some of my vitamin levels are still low (the same ones - B1 and B12), but I have been falling behind on taking those a bit. >_< My liver enzymes were still a bit high, but we'll just keep watching those.

Clothing is still kind of wonky, but I'm fitting into my own skin a bit better, which is nice. I got some gift cards for Avenue & Kohl's for Christmas. I'm so-so on the Avenue stuff, since I'm getting close to the bottom of their sizing (and their stuff runs large anyway), but I'm sure I can work it! :)

New picture for New Year's!

I need to post a holiday sleeve recap, but in the meantime, here's a pic!

As time goes on

Lately I've been going through a good amount of hurdles. I have been plateauing for a month at just under 200 lbs, which is frustrating to say the least, since I was going to have my 6 month follow-up appointment and felt like I didn't have much to show for the additional three months. I rescheduled my appointment because I left my bloodwork until the last minute, and I wanted to make sure they had the results before I went to the appointment.

I have been very focused on the excess skin situation lately. I feel like it's hampering my attempts at sizing properly, not to mention making me feel dissatisfied (even to the point of minor disgust) with myself... "What am I doing wrong that it looks like this? I should be going to the gym more." - but then too depressed to get out to the gym...among other excuses. There's other things I could be doing of course...

...other things I've been "slacking off" on. I've been irregular in taking my vitamins, mostly because I can't afford the chewable/dissolvable ones. So taking the large and bad-tasting pills isn't something on my mind. In addition, I haven't been taking my calcium supplement, which is indeed liquid. I just don't really think about it, though I should. Generally when I get home from work I get a beverage - water, iced tea, whatever. The calcium supplement is right there. And yet... Nope.

Which relates to another problem I've been having - teeth. I have had crappy teeth all my life. I had a molar abscess when I was about 7 years old. (The new molar also abscessed later on. Eventually I had it extracted, which makes me more or less happy as a clam.) I have more fillings than I'd like to admit to. But lately, things have gotten worse. I have two broken molars, and some other damages to existing fillings and the like, probably from deterioration from the teeth underneath. Most recently, I broke off part of a tooth (that already has a substantial filling) while eating granola with flaxseed in it. Yep. Granola. The dentist thinks we can save my tooth, which would be grand. It's already next to two teeth that had to have root canals and crowns.

See how this is going?

In any case, my coworker, whose wife and stepdaughter both had weight loss surgery, said their teeth went to hell after their surgery, mostly from stomach acidity. I didn't really believe that would happen to me, since I haven't had any heartburn or acid indigestion really - but that's because I've been staying on Prilosec nonstop. But combined with the calcium-fail on my end... And maybe acid I'm not even thinking about... Definitely need to do something to turn this boat around, before I need dentures by the time I'm 30.

I always joked with my friend Meryl about my teeth problems and being so poor that I need to start hookin'... That I would start giving gumjobs. Welp, that doesn't seem so absurd of a likelihood now!

Have been making some Christmas cookies - and able to eat them. Thankfully, they are so absurdly filling (like any of the meager carbs I've tried) that I can only get away with one, maybe two -  not handfuls like I used to do. So huzzah for that!

I'm sorry I've been so absent from posting - I will do my best to work on that. Don't hold me to it, though - clearly I'm not very good at following through on stuff lately.

The Thanksgiving Challenge

So, after I long absence, I return! With a summary of the most eating-focused holiday here in the US - Thanksgiving. A day where we fill ourselves until we feel like we're going to burst. And, in my case, two days - one for my family, one for Dave's.

The biggest problem I had was the excessive odd looks and questions about the tiny amount on my plate, and having to pass up on a lot of things. "You're not going to have sweet potatoes? No rolls? No stuffing? No XYZ?" Especially at Dave's family get-together. Thankfully I was at the "kid's table," so I only had a few people looking at the meager portion on my plate. (A slice of turkey and a slice of ham.) At my family's celebration, I nabbed a smaller plate so I would be more satisfied with how it looked. No one really paid any mind - though I think I will just need to get used to the fact that I will always and forever have people raising a literal or figurative eyebrow at my absurdly small portion sizes.

Regardless - I made it through! Just focused on the meats - which is what Thanksgiving is really about, right? The turkey - the lovely, lovely turkey. I did, however, have wayyy too much pumpkin mousse for dessert at my parents'. I ate it too fast, more importantly... so I felt queasy, but didn't actually end up with vomiting or diarrhea. So that worked out well.

The only big issue I had was on the way up to my parents' Thanksgiving, we stopped at Cabela's (an outdoors store) and ate at their cafe. I had a bison bratwurst, which was tasty if a bit spicy for my taste. (Also, I accidentally took a wee bite of the bun, which I mostly spit out, lol. I had a moment of OSHI-- and then took out the bits that were distinguishable.) Thankfully, I took pretty much everything I had - two Gas-X dissolvable strips and 2 Tums Freshers. One or two trips to the bathroom resulted just in gas, but still, I felt better. Better enough to make it the next two hours to the house! So that's what really matters.

I'm getting better at some things, but not everything. I'm doing my best, and puttering along.

Also, just recently I broke 200!! I'm kind of ecstatic - and hoping it will stay on the downward path of course.

Lastly, buying clothes has been very difficult... Still pretty much can't find pants at all. It's a good thing I'm ok with wearing skirts, but even those... I used to wear patterned tights all the time, and even those are too big now. UGH. There is so much clothing I need, and can't afford. Money is pretty tight right now - Dave's having issues getting work secured steadily, especially when his full-time gig pooped out for 3 weeks or so. Events getting cancelled. Ugh, who knows. Frustrating, though, to say the least! Thankfully I'm making almost everything, and working with cheap supplies for the most part. Sadly, it means everyone is getting something not on a wishlist, but hopefully will still be enjoyed.

Excess Skin, Food Cravings, Etc.

So, my latest "beef" is excess skin. I haven't been working out as much as I should be, which I'm sure isn't helping, but I definitely have a lot more jiggly bits than I had before. When I was overweight, or at my maximum weight, there wasn't a lot of jiggle with my fat. I was...compact, I guess? Compact fat, looool. I always looked like I didn't weigh as much as I did. Well, now, I've got a lot of jiggle, everywhere pretty much. Excess skin especially in my thighs, but also my underarms, stomach (lower), and even some on my face/neck area. UGH. Unsat. More to the gym - and hopefully to finally check out that red light booth, if I can find a tanning salon to pick up some tanning goggles (required). Supposedly that helps with cellulite...Maybe it will jiggle away my jiggle?

In other news, I wish they had told us more about food cravings. My latest craving is honey roasted peanuts. And now, unfortunately, chocolate. My body (and stomach) are able to handle chocolate, though peanuts I end up eating in excess, lol! Peanuts and almonds sit "heavy" in my stomach, even if I chew them up into nut butter. I think it's just the fat content in both, maybe.

I can't think of what else I wanted to say off the top of my head. There have been some other things that have happened to me recently - I got in a car accident, where my car is "totaled" but still driveable. Because it involves money, naturally it effects all facets of my life. One of my (dental) crowns fell out, so chewing was interesting, since the opposite side of my mouth has a big ol' gap in the exact same spot from an extraction. Thankfully, that's been remedied. But it definitely feels like there's a bit of a black cloud hovering over my head. :|

New hair!

Here it is! I love reds (red-reds, not 'natural' reds, though I love those too), so I picked this one. I feel pretty va-va-voom. It's a bit difficult to get used to, and I keep thinking negatively, but I'm trying to shove those self-conscious thoughts out and enjoy it.

See? Voom. Voom indeed. (I'm being red riding hood for Halloween, btws. That did not have any bearing on my deciding on getting a red wig.)

Now I just have to practice styling it... That's the hardest part.

Aaaand, one more, just for funsies.

Wig appointment!

I am scheduled to have my wig (synthetic, lace-front) installed on Wednesday afternoon. I am so excited and terrified at the same time, lol. I don't have a lot of support for doing it... But, yknow, maybe I should just start emphasizing that it's only for 2 weeks... Not telling them that I know my hair is thinning, and it's bothering me a lot, and it's so incredibly depressing. Supposedly it's "not noticeable." But I see it... I scrutinize what's in the mirror more than anyone else. If there's something I can do that will help to remedy that? Then yes, I want to try it! It's only temporary... So what's the big deal?

Anyway! I'm excited for that, but again, like I said, nervous. I will definitely post a picture afterward.

Lastly, I stopped taking the Wellbutrin. There are just too many minor adverse side effects that have built up that are really ruining any benefit it would have for me. Hopefully they will diminish quickly... Do not want. Dropping and breaking things in stores because my hand twitches and lets go or knocks into something... not my idea of a good time.

More bodily weirdness!!

Since my last post, I went to my psychologist to discuss the sleeping problems, and general increasing depression. She thinks (and I think she's right) that my body/mind are subconsciously shutting me down from stress. I might not be choosing to sleep, but my body and mind are like 'peace out bitches!' and I conk out. That being said, and my mentioning the increasing depression, I have been put on another anti-depressant. The initial one I was put on was more for OCD, but it is used to treat depression as well.

So now I'm up to...*counts...* 5 pills before work, 6 vitamins at work, 2 pills in the evening.

I had called the surgeon's office to see if they had any ideas, and there was nothing amiss on their end. (That's why I went to see my psychologist.) However, I did also need to go back on the Prilosec/Omeprazole. I was getting some significant heartburn every night, so back on that for awhile.. I didn't want to be taking Tums all the time! It's gone for now, so thank goodness.

Anyway, kind of jumping back... yesterday I almost fell asleep at work, on the drive home, and then took a decent nap in the afternoon. Then I felt really weak in the evening. Dave kept elbowing and kneeing me in the night, so I slept really poorly and eventually I gave up and went out to sleep in the recliner. At some point in the early evening, and still going on now, my hands and legs have been trembling and shaky.

I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing a goodly amount of the side effects, unfortunately, of the new anti-depressant.. Confusion/trouble focusing thoughts (having a hard time getting words out for the past few days), headaches, feel like throwing up (had a really bad wave of nausea yesterday at work that wasn't related to food - had only been having water!), drowsiness, fever (I felt that I had a low-grade one yesterday, but not sure), uncoordinated (have been very off balance lately), feeling weak, puffy face from water retention, and possibly a little of behaving with excessive cheerfulness and activity - though that only was a day or two. It's hard to tell otherwise, since I'm usually doing something anyway, and since I've been depressed, I haven't wanted to do anything. Do I ride it through, or call the doctor? She's off all week at a conference, so I wouldn't get any kind of response soon anyway. I was so worried about myself this morning that I really wanted to stay home, but we're having people who are "analyzing" our work out here, so I need to be here to prove my worth more or less.

Urgh, stress.

Getting inside my head (aka psychiatrist appointment)

Yesterday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist. I asked Dave to drive me there/go with me, so that I would be forced to go and not be so anxious that I would flake out. The appointment went...well? It amazes me how incredibly different counselors can approach something - and the more I go to, the more I wonder if it's even worth it. (I asked Dave in the car on the way home - why do I go to therapists? It's a broad question, but I'm not really sure about the answer.)

Anyway, the main reason I made the appointment was that I have been having INCREDIBLE social anxiety. I go to work no problem, and can go out to the store or even the gym without any problems. But that's really because I don't have to interact with anyone.

The anxiety has been increasing because, as was kind of "revealed" during the session, I don't really have a support network. The few friends I have, I don't speak to enough, and when I do, I'm not sure if it's anything that would be directly supportive (?) of my new stomach and life. (I honestly don't know what "directly supportive" would be, and if that's even what would be needed in a support network.) I also don't talk to my parents/family that much. And I'm not really sure why on that either. I think just being depressed* has made me retreat into my shell and not really want to talk to anyone that's not absolutely present/that I kinda have to talk to. So, in short, my support network is kinda Dave. Which leads to the depression thing.

*So, being depressed. Nothing new, right? Definitely not for me. Dave has been working a lot at this new full-time job. I'm proud that he has a full-time job, and what seems like steady employ. He's still doing catering. But he works incredibly long hours during his full-time job, and long hours catering on weekends, so I feel like I hardly get to see him. Sometimes he averages getting home around 7-8 (I get home at 4:30). I tend to doze off starting around 10, so that's what, 2-3 hours to spend with him? He's generally preoccupied with solo activities, like sorting/rearranging MtG cards/decks. So I just do whatever, dootz around. Then on the weekends, he'll sleep in late, then have to leave out mid-afternoon for catering. We haven't been spending quality time together, interacting, actually talking about what's going on in our lives. It feels very...separate. I think a large part of it is we are both going through a period of adjustment with the full-time job thing. But I know there is a significant part in his head that believes that he started working full-time because of me, for me. Not in a sweet way, but more in a martyr-y way - like I forced him into it. I really want to dispel that belief, but I don't know if it's going to happen ever.

UGH. So, yeah. Depression. Sorry for the tangent... I could go on forever.

Back to the social anxiety. It really revolves a lot about spending time with people generally involves eating. We are a culture that revolves around food! Hanging out with friends, ordering pizza or chinese, hanging out. Welp, can't eat that. I feel singled out, by myself. This is something I thought about a goodly amount right after the surgery, and I am kind of re-realizing it now. I'm kind of alone on this journey - it's me and my body and mind trying to cope with all these changes. Though there is support available, if I take advantage of it, my skepticism, depression, bipolar, cynicism, and incredibly low self esteem make me distrust what people might say - it's not genuine, it's just token "I know how you feel." Every person has to undergo this journey themselves - even with support, it's still you and your body. No one else is that person.

My support network is crumbly and sad. Not having Dave around that much, and realizing that I don't really have anyone else there, is kind of a wake-up call. I really want to start connecting with my family and friends more, even if they aren't close by. I want to really try and make new friends, though the whole thing is pretty terrifying and angst-inducing for me. So having the support network for this is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. Especially if you have pre-existing mental health problems, like I do. All these things that come down the pike, and you think you're prepared...you're not, really.