New hair!

Here it is! I love reds (red-reds, not 'natural' reds, though I love those too), so I picked this one. I feel pretty va-va-voom. It's a bit difficult to get used to, and I keep thinking negatively, but I'm trying to shove those self-conscious thoughts out and enjoy it.

See? Voom. Voom indeed. (I'm being red riding hood for Halloween, btws. That did not have any bearing on my deciding on getting a red wig.)

Now I just have to practice styling it... That's the hardest part.

Aaaand, one more, just for funsies.

Wig appointment!

I am scheduled to have my wig (synthetic, lace-front) installed on Wednesday afternoon. I am so excited and terrified at the same time, lol. I don't have a lot of support for doing it... But, yknow, maybe I should just start emphasizing that it's only for 2 weeks... Not telling them that I know my hair is thinning, and it's bothering me a lot, and it's so incredibly depressing. Supposedly it's "not noticeable." But I see it... I scrutinize what's in the mirror more than anyone else. If there's something I can do that will help to remedy that? Then yes, I want to try it! It's only temporary... So what's the big deal?

Anyway! I'm excited for that, but again, like I said, nervous. I will definitely post a picture afterward.

Lastly, I stopped taking the Wellbutrin. There are just too many minor adverse side effects that have built up that are really ruining any benefit it would have for me. Hopefully they will diminish quickly... Do not want. Dropping and breaking things in stores because my hand twitches and lets go or knocks into something... not my idea of a good time.

More bodily weirdness!!

Since my last post, I went to my psychologist to discuss the sleeping problems, and general increasing depression. She thinks (and I think she's right) that my body/mind are subconsciously shutting me down from stress. I might not be choosing to sleep, but my body and mind are like 'peace out bitches!' and I conk out. That being said, and my mentioning the increasing depression, I have been put on another anti-depressant. The initial one I was put on was more for OCD, but it is used to treat depression as well.

So now I'm up to...*counts...* 5 pills before work, 6 vitamins at work, 2 pills in the evening.

I had called the surgeon's office to see if they had any ideas, and there was nothing amiss on their end. (That's why I went to see my psychologist.) However, I did also need to go back on the Prilosec/Omeprazole. I was getting some significant heartburn every night, so back on that for awhile.. I didn't want to be taking Tums all the time! It's gone for now, so thank goodness.

Anyway, kind of jumping back... yesterday I almost fell asleep at work, on the drive home, and then took a decent nap in the afternoon. Then I felt really weak in the evening. Dave kept elbowing and kneeing me in the night, so I slept really poorly and eventually I gave up and went out to sleep in the recliner. At some point in the early evening, and still going on now, my hands and legs have been trembling and shaky.

I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing a goodly amount of the side effects, unfortunately, of the new anti-depressant.. Confusion/trouble focusing thoughts (having a hard time getting words out for the past few days), headaches, feel like throwing up (had a really bad wave of nausea yesterday at work that wasn't related to food - had only been having water!), drowsiness, fever (I felt that I had a low-grade one yesterday, but not sure), uncoordinated (have been very off balance lately), feeling weak, puffy face from water retention, and possibly a little of behaving with excessive cheerfulness and activity - though that only was a day or two. It's hard to tell otherwise, since I'm usually doing something anyway, and since I've been depressed, I haven't wanted to do anything. Do I ride it through, or call the doctor? She's off all week at a conference, so I wouldn't get any kind of response soon anyway. I was so worried about myself this morning that I really wanted to stay home, but we're having people who are "analyzing" our work out here, so I need to be here to prove my worth more or less.

Urgh, stress.

Getting inside my head (aka psychiatrist appointment)

Yesterday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist. I asked Dave to drive me there/go with me, so that I would be forced to go and not be so anxious that I would flake out. The appointment went...well? It amazes me how incredibly different counselors can approach something - and the more I go to, the more I wonder if it's even worth it. (I asked Dave in the car on the way home - why do I go to therapists? It's a broad question, but I'm not really sure about the answer.)

Anyway, the main reason I made the appointment was that I have been having INCREDIBLE social anxiety. I go to work no problem, and can go out to the store or even the gym without any problems. But that's really because I don't have to interact with anyone.

The anxiety has been increasing because, as was kind of "revealed" during the session, I don't really have a support network. The few friends I have, I don't speak to enough, and when I do, I'm not sure if it's anything that would be directly supportive (?) of my new stomach and life. (I honestly don't know what "directly supportive" would be, and if that's even what would be needed in a support network.) I also don't talk to my parents/family that much. And I'm not really sure why on that either. I think just being depressed* has made me retreat into my shell and not really want to talk to anyone that's not absolutely present/that I kinda have to talk to. So, in short, my support network is kinda Dave. Which leads to the depression thing.

*So, being depressed. Nothing new, right? Definitely not for me. Dave has been working a lot at this new full-time job. I'm proud that he has a full-time job, and what seems like steady employ. He's still doing catering. But he works incredibly long hours during his full-time job, and long hours catering on weekends, so I feel like I hardly get to see him. Sometimes he averages getting home around 7-8 (I get home at 4:30). I tend to doze off starting around 10, so that's what, 2-3 hours to spend with him? He's generally preoccupied with solo activities, like sorting/rearranging MtG cards/decks. So I just do whatever, dootz around. Then on the weekends, he'll sleep in late, then have to leave out mid-afternoon for catering. We haven't been spending quality time together, interacting, actually talking about what's going on in our lives. It feels very...separate. I think a large part of it is we are both going through a period of adjustment with the full-time job thing. But I know there is a significant part in his head that believes that he started working full-time because of me, for me. Not in a sweet way, but more in a martyr-y way - like I forced him into it. I really want to dispel that belief, but I don't know if it's going to happen ever.

UGH. So, yeah. Depression. Sorry for the tangent... I could go on forever.

Back to the social anxiety. It really revolves a lot about spending time with people generally involves eating. We are a culture that revolves around food! Hanging out with friends, ordering pizza or chinese, hanging out. Welp, can't eat that. I feel singled out, by myself. This is something I thought about a goodly amount right after the surgery, and I am kind of re-realizing it now. I'm kind of alone on this journey - it's me and my body and mind trying to cope with all these changes. Though there is support available, if I take advantage of it, my skepticism, depression, bipolar, cynicism, and incredibly low self esteem make me distrust what people might say - it's not genuine, it's just token "I know how you feel." Every person has to undergo this journey themselves - even with support, it's still you and your body. No one else is that person.

My support network is crumbly and sad. Not having Dave around that much, and realizing that I don't really have anyone else there, is kind of a wake-up call. I really want to start connecting with my family and friends more, even if they aren't close by. I want to really try and make new friends, though the whole thing is pretty terrifying and angst-inducing for me. So having the support network for this is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. Especially if you have pre-existing mental health problems, like I do. All these things that come down the pike, and you think you're prepared...you're not, really.