Lately I've been going through a good amount of hurdles. I have been plateauing for a month at just under 200 lbs, which is frustrating to say the least, since I was going to have my 6 month follow-up appointment and felt like I didn't have much to show for the additional three months. I rescheduled my appointment because I left my bloodwork until the last minute, and I wanted to make sure they had the results before I went to the appointment.
I have been very focused on the excess skin situation lately. I feel like it's hampering my attempts at sizing properly, not to mention making me feel dissatisfied (even to the point of minor disgust) with myself... "What am I doing wrong that it looks like this? I should be going to the gym more." - but then too depressed to get out to the gym...among other excuses. There's other things I could be doing of course...
...other things I've been "slacking off" on. I've been irregular in taking my vitamins, mostly because I can't afford the chewable/dissolvable ones. So taking the large and bad-tasting pills isn't something on my mind. In addition, I haven't been taking my calcium supplement, which is indeed liquid. I just don't really think about it, though I should. Generally when I get home from work I get a beverage - water, iced tea, whatever. The calcium supplement is right there. And yet... Nope.
Which relates to another problem I've been having - teeth. I have had crappy teeth all my life. I had a molar abscess when I was about 7 years old. (The new molar also abscessed later on. Eventually I had it extracted, which makes me more or less happy as a clam.) I have more fillings than I'd like to admit to. But lately, things have gotten worse. I have two broken molars, and some other damages to existing fillings and the like, probably from deterioration from the teeth underneath. Most recently, I broke off part of a tooth (that already has a substantial filling) while eating granola with flaxseed in it. Yep. Granola. The dentist thinks we can save my tooth, which would be grand. It's already next to two teeth that had to have root canals and crowns.
See how this is going?
In any case, my coworker, whose wife and stepdaughter both had weight loss surgery, said their teeth went to hell after their surgery, mostly from stomach acidity. I didn't really believe that would happen to me, since I haven't had any heartburn or acid indigestion really - but that's because I've been staying on Prilosec nonstop. But combined with the calcium-fail on my end... And maybe acid I'm not even thinking about... Definitely need to do something to turn this boat around, before I need dentures by the time I'm 30.
I always joked with my friend Meryl about my teeth problems and being so poor that I need to start hookin'... That I would start giving gumjobs. Welp, that doesn't seem so absurd of a likelihood now!
Have been making some Christmas cookies - and able to eat them. Thankfully, they are so absurdly filling (like any of the meager carbs I've tried) that I can only get away with one, maybe two - not handfuls like I used to do. So huzzah for that!
I'm sorry I've been so absent from posting - I will do my best to work on that. Don't hold me to it, though - clearly I'm not very good at following through on stuff lately.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
The Thanksgiving Challenge
So, after I long absence, I return! With a summary of the most eating-focused holiday here in the US - Thanksgiving. A day where we fill ourselves until we feel like we're going to burst. And, in my case, two days - one for my family, one for Dave's.
The biggest problem I had was the excessive odd looks and questions about the tiny amount on my plate, and having to pass up on a lot of things. "You're not going to have sweet potatoes? No rolls? No stuffing? No XYZ?" Especially at Dave's family get-together. Thankfully I was at the "kid's table," so I only had a few people looking at the meager portion on my plate. (A slice of turkey and a slice of ham.) At my family's celebration, I nabbed a smaller plate so I would be more satisfied with how it looked. No one really paid any mind - though I think I will just need to get used to the fact that I will always and forever have people raising a literal or figurative eyebrow at my absurdly small portion sizes.
Regardless - I made it through! Just focused on the meats - which is what Thanksgiving is really about, right? The turkey - the lovely, lovely turkey. I did, however, have wayyy too much pumpkin mousse for dessert at my parents'. I ate it too fast, more importantly... so I felt queasy, but didn't actually end up with vomiting or diarrhea. So that worked out well.
The only big issue I had was on the way up to my parents' Thanksgiving, we stopped at Cabela's (an outdoors store) and ate at their cafe. I had a bison bratwurst, which was tasty if a bit spicy for my taste. (Also, I accidentally took a wee bite of the bun, which I mostly spit out, lol. I had a moment of OSHI-- and then took out the bits that were distinguishable.) Thankfully, I took pretty much everything I had - two Gas-X dissolvable strips and 2 Tums Freshers. One or two trips to the bathroom resulted just in gas, but still, I felt better. Better enough to make it the next two hours to the house! So that's what really matters.
I'm getting better at some things, but not everything. I'm doing my best, and puttering along.
Also, just recently I broke 200!! I'm kind of ecstatic - and hoping it will stay on the downward path of course.
Lastly, buying clothes has been very difficult... Still pretty much can't find pants at all. It's a good thing I'm ok with wearing skirts, but even those... I used to wear patterned tights all the time, and even those are too big now. UGH. There is so much clothing I need, and can't afford. Money is pretty tight right now - Dave's having issues getting work secured steadily, especially when his full-time gig pooped out for 3 weeks or so. Events getting cancelled. Ugh, who knows. Frustrating, though, to say the least! Thankfully I'm making almost everything, and working with cheap supplies for the most part. Sadly, it means everyone is getting something not on a wishlist, but hopefully will still be enjoyed.
The biggest problem I had was the excessive odd looks and questions about the tiny amount on my plate, and having to pass up on a lot of things. "You're not going to have sweet potatoes? No rolls? No stuffing? No XYZ?" Especially at Dave's family get-together. Thankfully I was at the "kid's table," so I only had a few people looking at the meager portion on my plate. (A slice of turkey and a slice of ham.) At my family's celebration, I nabbed a smaller plate so I would be more satisfied with how it looked. No one really paid any mind - though I think I will just need to get used to the fact that I will always and forever have people raising a literal or figurative eyebrow at my absurdly small portion sizes.
Regardless - I made it through! Just focused on the meats - which is what Thanksgiving is really about, right? The turkey - the lovely, lovely turkey. I did, however, have wayyy too much pumpkin mousse for dessert at my parents'. I ate it too fast, more importantly... so I felt queasy, but didn't actually end up with vomiting or diarrhea. So that worked out well.
The only big issue I had was on the way up to my parents' Thanksgiving, we stopped at Cabela's (an outdoors store) and ate at their cafe. I had a bison bratwurst, which was tasty if a bit spicy for my taste. (Also, I accidentally took a wee bite of the bun, which I mostly spit out, lol. I had a moment of OSHI-- and then took out the bits that were distinguishable.) Thankfully, I took pretty much everything I had - two Gas-X dissolvable strips and 2 Tums Freshers. One or two trips to the bathroom resulted just in gas, but still, I felt better. Better enough to make it the next two hours to the house! So that's what really matters.
I'm getting better at some things, but not everything. I'm doing my best, and puttering along.
Also, just recently I broke 200!! I'm kind of ecstatic - and hoping it will stay on the downward path of course.
Lastly, buying clothes has been very difficult... Still pretty much can't find pants at all. It's a good thing I'm ok with wearing skirts, but even those... I used to wear patterned tights all the time, and even those are too big now. UGH. There is so much clothing I need, and can't afford. Money is pretty tight right now - Dave's having issues getting work secured steadily, especially when his full-time gig pooped out for 3 weeks or so. Events getting cancelled. Ugh, who knows. Frustrating, though, to say the least! Thankfully I'm making almost everything, and working with cheap supplies for the most part. Sadly, it means everyone is getting something not on a wishlist, but hopefully will still be enjoyed.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Excess Skin, Food Cravings, Etc.
So, my latest "beef" is excess skin. I haven't been working out as much as I should be, which I'm sure isn't helping, but I definitely have a lot more jiggly bits than I had before. When I was overweight, or at my maximum weight, there wasn't a lot of jiggle with my fat. I was...compact, I guess? Compact fat, looool. I always looked like I didn't weigh as much as I did. Well, now, I've got a lot of jiggle, everywhere pretty much. Excess skin especially in my thighs, but also my underarms, stomach (lower), and even some on my face/neck area. UGH. Unsat. More to the gym - and hopefully to finally check out that red light booth, if I can find a tanning salon to pick up some tanning goggles (required). Supposedly that helps with cellulite...Maybe it will jiggle away my jiggle?
In other news, I wish they had told us more about food cravings. My latest craving is honey roasted peanuts. And now, unfortunately, chocolate. My body (and stomach) are able to handle chocolate, though peanuts I end up eating in excess, lol! Peanuts and almonds sit "heavy" in my stomach, even if I chew them up into nut butter. I think it's just the fat content in both, maybe.
I can't think of what else I wanted to say off the top of my head. There have been some other things that have happened to me recently - I got in a car accident, where my car is "totaled" but still driveable. Because it involves money, naturally it effects all facets of my life. One of my (dental) crowns fell out, so chewing was interesting, since the opposite side of my mouth has a big ol' gap in the exact same spot from an extraction. Thankfully, that's been remedied. But it definitely feels like there's a bit of a black cloud hovering over my head. :|
In other news, I wish they had told us more about food cravings. My latest craving is honey roasted peanuts. And now, unfortunately, chocolate. My body (and stomach) are able to handle chocolate, though peanuts I end up eating in excess, lol! Peanuts and almonds sit "heavy" in my stomach, even if I chew them up into nut butter. I think it's just the fat content in both, maybe.
I can't think of what else I wanted to say off the top of my head. There have been some other things that have happened to me recently - I got in a car accident, where my car is "totaled" but still driveable. Because it involves money, naturally it effects all facets of my life. One of my (dental) crowns fell out, so chewing was interesting, since the opposite side of my mouth has a big ol' gap in the exact same spot from an extraction. Thankfully, that's been remedied. But it definitely feels like there's a bit of a black cloud hovering over my head. :|
Thursday, October 24, 2013
New hair!
Here it is! I love reds (red-reds, not 'natural' reds, though I love those too), so I picked this one. I feel pretty va-va-voom. It's a bit difficult to get used to, and I keep thinking negatively, but I'm trying to shove those self-conscious thoughts out and enjoy it.
See? Voom. Voom indeed. (I'm being red riding hood for Halloween, btws. That did not have any bearing on my deciding on getting a red wig.)
Now I just have to practice styling it... That's the hardest part.
Aaaand, one more, just for funsies.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Wig appointment!
I am scheduled to have my wig (synthetic, lace-front) installed on Wednesday afternoon. I am so excited and terrified at the same time, lol. I don't have a lot of support for doing it... But, yknow, maybe I should just start emphasizing that it's only for 2 weeks... Not telling them that I know my hair is thinning, and it's bothering me a lot, and it's so incredibly depressing. Supposedly it's "not noticeable." But I see it... I scrutinize what's in the mirror more than anyone else. If there's something I can do that will help to remedy that? Then yes, I want to try it! It's only temporary... So what's the big deal?
Anyway! I'm excited for that, but again, like I said, nervous. I will definitely post a picture afterward.
Lastly, I stopped taking the Wellbutrin. There are just too many minor adverse side effects that have built up that are really ruining any benefit it would have for me. Hopefully they will diminish quickly... Do not want. Dropping and breaking things in stores because my hand twitches and lets go or knocks into something... not my idea of a good time.
Anyway! I'm excited for that, but again, like I said, nervous. I will definitely post a picture afterward.
Lastly, I stopped taking the Wellbutrin. There are just too many minor adverse side effects that have built up that are really ruining any benefit it would have for me. Hopefully they will diminish quickly... Do not want. Dropping and breaking things in stores because my hand twitches and lets go or knocks into something... not my idea of a good time.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
More bodily weirdness!!
Since my last post, I went to my psychologist to discuss the sleeping problems, and general increasing depression. She thinks (and I think she's right) that my body/mind are subconsciously shutting me down from stress. I might not be choosing to sleep, but my body and mind are like 'peace out bitches!' and I conk out. That being said, and my mentioning the increasing depression, I have been put on another anti-depressant. The initial one I was put on was more for OCD, but it is used to treat depression as well.
So now I'm up to...*counts...* 5 pills before work, 6 vitamins at work, 2 pills in the evening.
I had called the surgeon's office to see if they had any ideas, and there was nothing amiss on their end. (That's why I went to see my psychologist.) However, I did also need to go back on the Prilosec/Omeprazole. I was getting some significant heartburn every night, so back on that for awhile.. I didn't want to be taking Tums all the time! It's gone for now, so thank goodness.
Anyway, kind of jumping back... yesterday I almost fell asleep at work, on the drive home, and then took a decent nap in the afternoon. Then I felt really weak in the evening. Dave kept elbowing and kneeing me in the night, so I slept really poorly and eventually I gave up and went out to sleep in the recliner. At some point in the early evening, and still going on now, my hands and legs have been trembling and shaky.
I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing a goodly amount of the side effects, unfortunately, of the new anti-depressant.. Confusion/trouble focusing thoughts (having a hard time getting words out for the past few days), headaches, feel like throwing up (had a really bad wave of nausea yesterday at work that wasn't related to food - had only been having water!), drowsiness, fever (I felt that I had a low-grade one yesterday, but not sure), uncoordinated (have been very off balance lately), feeling weak, puffy face from water retention, and possibly a little of behaving with excessive cheerfulness and activity - though that only was a day or two. It's hard to tell otherwise, since I'm usually doing something anyway, and since I've been depressed, I haven't wanted to do anything. Do I ride it through, or call the doctor? She's off all week at a conference, so I wouldn't get any kind of response soon anyway. I was so worried about myself this morning that I really wanted to stay home, but we're having people who are "analyzing" our work out here, so I need to be here to prove my worth more or less.
Urgh, stress.
So now I'm up to...*counts...* 5 pills before work, 6 vitamins at work, 2 pills in the evening.
I had called the surgeon's office to see if they had any ideas, and there was nothing amiss on their end. (That's why I went to see my psychologist.) However, I did also need to go back on the Prilosec/Omeprazole. I was getting some significant heartburn every night, so back on that for awhile.. I didn't want to be taking Tums all the time! It's gone for now, so thank goodness.
Anyway, kind of jumping back... yesterday I almost fell asleep at work, on the drive home, and then took a decent nap in the afternoon. Then I felt really weak in the evening. Dave kept elbowing and kneeing me in the night, so I slept really poorly and eventually I gave up and went out to sleep in the recliner. At some point in the early evening, and still going on now, my hands and legs have been trembling and shaky.
I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing a goodly amount of the side effects, unfortunately, of the new anti-depressant.. Confusion/trouble focusing thoughts (having a hard time getting words out for the past few days), headaches, feel like throwing up (had a really bad wave of nausea yesterday at work that wasn't related to food - had only been having water!), drowsiness, fever (I felt that I had a low-grade one yesterday, but not sure), uncoordinated (have been very off balance lately), feeling weak, puffy face from water retention, and possibly a little of behaving with excessive cheerfulness and activity - though that only was a day or two. It's hard to tell otherwise, since I'm usually doing something anyway, and since I've been depressed, I haven't wanted to do anything. Do I ride it through, or call the doctor? She's off all week at a conference, so I wouldn't get any kind of response soon anyway. I was so worried about myself this morning that I really wanted to stay home, but we're having people who are "analyzing" our work out here, so I need to be here to prove my worth more or less.
Urgh, stress.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Getting inside my head (aka psychiatrist appointment)
Yesterday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist. I asked Dave to drive me there/go with me, so that I would be forced to go and not be so anxious that I would flake out. The appointment went...well? It amazes me how incredibly different counselors can approach something - and the more I go to, the more I wonder if it's even worth it. (I asked Dave in the car on the way home - why do I go to therapists? It's a broad question, but I'm not really sure about the answer.)
Anyway, the main reason I made the appointment was that I have been having INCREDIBLE social anxiety. I go to work no problem, and can go out to the store or even the gym without any problems. But that's really because I don't have to interact with anyone.
The anxiety has been increasing because, as was kind of "revealed" during the session, I don't really have a support network. The few friends I have, I don't speak to enough, and when I do, I'm not sure if it's anything that would be directly supportive (?) of my new stomach and life. (I honestly don't know what "directly supportive" would be, and if that's even what would be needed in a support network.) I also don't talk to my parents/family that much. And I'm not really sure why on that either. I think just being depressed* has made me retreat into my shell and not really want to talk to anyone that's not absolutely present/that I kinda have to talk to. So, in short, my support network is kinda Dave. Which leads to the depression thing.
*So, being depressed. Nothing new, right? Definitely not for me. Dave has been working a lot at this new full-time job. I'm proud that he has a full-time job, and what seems like steady employ. He's still doing catering. But he works incredibly long hours during his full-time job, and long hours catering on weekends, so I feel like I hardly get to see him. Sometimes he averages getting home around 7-8 (I get home at 4:30). I tend to doze off starting around 10, so that's what, 2-3 hours to spend with him? He's generally preoccupied with solo activities, like sorting/rearranging MtG cards/decks. So I just do whatever, dootz around. Then on the weekends, he'll sleep in late, then have to leave out mid-afternoon for catering. We haven't been spending quality time together, interacting, actually talking about what's going on in our lives. It feels very...separate. I think a large part of it is we are both going through a period of adjustment with the full-time job thing. But I know there is a significant part in his head that believes that he started working full-time because of me, for me. Not in a sweet way, but more in a martyr-y way - like I forced him into it. I really want to dispel that belief, but I don't know if it's going to happen ever.
UGH. So, yeah. Depression. Sorry for the tangent... I could go on forever.
Back to the social anxiety. It really revolves a lot about spending time with people generally involves eating. We are a culture that revolves around food! Hanging out with friends, ordering pizza or chinese, hanging out. Welp, can't eat that. I feel singled out, by myself. This is something I thought about a goodly amount right after the surgery, and I am kind of re-realizing it now. I'm kind of alone on this journey - it's me and my body and mind trying to cope with all these changes. Though there is support available, if I take advantage of it, my skepticism, depression, bipolar, cynicism, and incredibly low self esteem make me distrust what people might say - it's not genuine, it's just token "I know how you feel." Every person has to undergo this journey themselves - even with support, it's still you and your body. No one else is that person.
My support network is crumbly and sad. Not having Dave around that much, and realizing that I don't really have anyone else there, is kind of a wake-up call. I really want to start connecting with my family and friends more, even if they aren't close by. I want to really try and make new friends, though the whole thing is pretty terrifying and angst-inducing for me. So having the support network for this is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. Especially if you have pre-existing mental health problems, like I do. All these things that come down the pike, and you think you're prepared...you're not, really.
Anyway, the main reason I made the appointment was that I have been having INCREDIBLE social anxiety. I go to work no problem, and can go out to the store or even the gym without any problems. But that's really because I don't have to interact with anyone.
The anxiety has been increasing because, as was kind of "revealed" during the session, I don't really have a support network. The few friends I have, I don't speak to enough, and when I do, I'm not sure if it's anything that would be directly supportive (?) of my new stomach and life. (I honestly don't know what "directly supportive" would be, and if that's even what would be needed in a support network.) I also don't talk to my parents/family that much. And I'm not really sure why on that either. I think just being depressed* has made me retreat into my shell and not really want to talk to anyone that's not absolutely present/that I kinda have to talk to. So, in short, my support network is kinda Dave. Which leads to the depression thing.
*So, being depressed. Nothing new, right? Definitely not for me. Dave has been working a lot at this new full-time job. I'm proud that he has a full-time job, and what seems like steady employ. He's still doing catering. But he works incredibly long hours during his full-time job, and long hours catering on weekends, so I feel like I hardly get to see him. Sometimes he averages getting home around 7-8 (I get home at 4:30). I tend to doze off starting around 10, so that's what, 2-3 hours to spend with him? He's generally preoccupied with solo activities, like sorting/rearranging MtG cards/decks. So I just do whatever, dootz around. Then on the weekends, he'll sleep in late, then have to leave out mid-afternoon for catering. We haven't been spending quality time together, interacting, actually talking about what's going on in our lives. It feels very...separate. I think a large part of it is we are both going through a period of adjustment with the full-time job thing. But I know there is a significant part in his head that believes that he started working full-time because of me, for me. Not in a sweet way, but more in a martyr-y way - like I forced him into it. I really want to dispel that belief, but I don't know if it's going to happen ever.
UGH. So, yeah. Depression. Sorry for the tangent... I could go on forever.
Back to the social anxiety. It really revolves a lot about spending time with people generally involves eating. We are a culture that revolves around food! Hanging out with friends, ordering pizza or chinese, hanging out. Welp, can't eat that. I feel singled out, by myself. This is something I thought about a goodly amount right after the surgery, and I am kind of re-realizing it now. I'm kind of alone on this journey - it's me and my body and mind trying to cope with all these changes. Though there is support available, if I take advantage of it, my skepticism, depression, bipolar, cynicism, and incredibly low self esteem make me distrust what people might say - it's not genuine, it's just token "I know how you feel." Every person has to undergo this journey themselves - even with support, it's still you and your body. No one else is that person.
My support network is crumbly and sad. Not having Dave around that much, and realizing that I don't really have anyone else there, is kind of a wake-up call. I really want to start connecting with my family and friends more, even if they aren't close by. I want to really try and make new friends, though the whole thing is pretty terrifying and angst-inducing for me. So having the support network for this is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. Especially if you have pre-existing mental health problems, like I do. All these things that come down the pike, and you think you're prepared...you're not, really.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Post 3 month check-up
So, I am officially down 40 pounds 3 months after my surgery! The doctor's office was very pleased with my progress, saying that I'm a bit further along than they expect patients to be, so that's even better. (Since I'm worried I'll start slowing down sooner than I think, and I'm kind of amazed I got to this point at all, because of plateaus along the way.)
A rundown of my bloodwork showed that my protein was good, which is something I was really worried about. It's something they stress so much in all appointments that of course I would be worried! I haven't been tracking my protein or liquids anymore, but have just been mindful - especially of fluids.
A rundown of my bloodwork showed that my protein was good, which is something I was really worried about. It's something they stress so much in all appointments that of course I would be worried! I haven't been tracking my protein or liquids anymore, but have just been mindful - especially of fluids.
No more trips to the E.R. Seriously.
Unfortunately, not all my bloodwork was great. The phlebotomist/lab tech at Quest muffed up my blood sample on the CBC, so I have to get that done again. My levels of vitamins B1 and B12 are low, so I need to start adding those in. I have already been taking B12, but the RN (Rose) said I can double it with no problem. And B1, I just have to start taking. Thankfully that's not too low (the goal is 8-30, and I'm at 8), but one of the causes of thiamin/B1 deficiency is daily consumption of coffee or tea. Well, hell! I drink a mug of 12+ oz of hot tea in the morning at work, then iced tea almost all evening when I get home. >_< Another cause of low B1 is high intake of processed foods - which, naturally, things that are made to be low fat, fat free, sugar free, etc, have been engineered to be such most likely. So all the specialty doodads are good and bad. I think just adding B1 vitamins to my regiment should be fine to bump me up to a better level.
The last thing that was wonky was that my liver enzymes were high, though there's nothing I can do about it supposedly. Rose said it was most likely my body still adjusting to all the effects of the surgery, changes in my diet, etc.
Back to the B1 and B12 briefly - deficiencies in these vitamins can cause emotional problems, so I wonder if that is what is really happening up in my brain, instead of changes needed in my regular bipolar medications. (I expressed concerns over that at my last psychiatrist appointment, and she said it was just adjustments still. WHY SO LONG FOR ADJUSTMENTS?!)
Lastly, I talked about my hair loss with the RN. She said doubling the biotin (vitamin B7) could help, since I am only taking 5000 mcg and can take 10,000 mcg, so I will try that. But I am still very depressed and discouraged my my hair thinning, and having small tumbleweeds of hair every time I shower. I've been investigating wigs, weaves, extensions, etc... And I'm mostly looking into a wig. There are a TON of resources near me for wigs, thankfully, but I don't know anyone with first-hand experience in that realm. I'm afraid to talk to strangers about it, and get honest, friendly information. I'm going to go to the gastric sleeve support group at GBMC tomorrow night and see if they have any experience. Rose said she didn't really know much about it. The hair could return in like 3-6 months, so when it's going, it's going to take a goodly amount of time for it to come back. This part is what's making me really start to consider this. It's a whole new terrifying frontier for me (and another absurd expense to go through - sigh), but hopefully I can have the courage to keep on.
Monday, September 23, 2013
3 months out
First off, I want to apologize for not posting for ~2 weeks.. I've been going through some tough emotions with Dave lately, and feeling very lonely and without a lot of support. So that being said, I've withdrawn from pretty much everything, like I tend to do when I'm pretty depressed.
That being said, I can elaborate on that, or talk more about pertinent things! Well, pertinent first at least. So I'm about 4 days shy of being 3 months out from my surgery, and I've lost 40 lbs. FORTY. I am so proud of myself! I stepped on the scale this morning and was kind of shocked at how well I've done, in spite of my odd eating habits lately.
My self image is bipolar though. I think and feel thin, fitting into clothes that were super tight before with no problem, having to buy new jeggings because my old ones were baggy, etc. But I have a looot of jiggly bits, especially my thighs and butt. I know this is a sign that I need to be working out more; I have my gym membership, but haven't been in about 2 weeks. Half the time when I am planning on going, my stomach gets twisted up from just food, just anxiety, or a combination of the two. It's difficult that whenever I'm incredibly anxious, my digestive system goes completely haywire. I don't really need that when my stomach is so sensitive right now anyway.
In any case, I used to have no fear about going. Like la dee da, here I go, workin it! But I think the onset of the deepening depression has increased my desire to not do anything, let alone do things.
So, part of the depression I think stems from the surgery and my new eating habits. I generally am not eating the same thing Dave eats, and I'm scared to go out to a restaurant because of the excessive restrictions/complications that will arise. I know once I bite the bullet and try it out, I'll be fine, but it's until then that I'll be scared. When I'm not eating what Dave eats, it's like we're eating at the same time but not together? If that makes any sense. Last night, Dave had cumin mushroom quesadillas, and I had eggs. (Granted, I don't like mushrooms or cumin very much, but I couldn't have the tortilla or excessive sour cream most likely.) I don't know why it gets me, but maybe it's just a weird "separate but equal" thing that rubs me wrong.
I have my 3 mo check-up next week. I had bloodwork done last week (last Wednesday I believe), which was a large amount of blood (6 vials I think for about 8 tests?), but my wee deep veins cooperated. Hopefully that will be at the doctor's office in time. I have my referral, which I requested awhile ago knowing that my regular doctor's office is wonky with those kinds of things. It's only good through the end of the year, though, so if I have the same insurance 3 months after this next appt, then I will need another referral. But we'll see, we'll see. I also stop taking my Omeprazole (Prilosec) soon, so we'll see how my body takes to that. I'm concerned, but hopefully I don't need to be.
That being said, I can elaborate on that, or talk more about pertinent things! Well, pertinent first at least. So I'm about 4 days shy of being 3 months out from my surgery, and I've lost 40 lbs. FORTY. I am so proud of myself! I stepped on the scale this morning and was kind of shocked at how well I've done, in spite of my odd eating habits lately.
My self image is bipolar though. I think and feel thin, fitting into clothes that were super tight before with no problem, having to buy new jeggings because my old ones were baggy, etc. But I have a looot of jiggly bits, especially my thighs and butt. I know this is a sign that I need to be working out more; I have my gym membership, but haven't been in about 2 weeks. Half the time when I am planning on going, my stomach gets twisted up from just food, just anxiety, or a combination of the two. It's difficult that whenever I'm incredibly anxious, my digestive system goes completely haywire. I don't really need that when my stomach is so sensitive right now anyway.
In any case, I used to have no fear about going. Like la dee da, here I go, workin it! But I think the onset of the deepening depression has increased my desire to not do anything, let alone do things.
So, part of the depression I think stems from the surgery and my new eating habits. I generally am not eating the same thing Dave eats, and I'm scared to go out to a restaurant because of the excessive restrictions/complications that will arise. I know once I bite the bullet and try it out, I'll be fine, but it's until then that I'll be scared. When I'm not eating what Dave eats, it's like we're eating at the same time but not together? If that makes any sense. Last night, Dave had cumin mushroom quesadillas, and I had eggs. (Granted, I don't like mushrooms or cumin very much, but I couldn't have the tortilla or excessive sour cream most likely.) I don't know why it gets me, but maybe it's just a weird "separate but equal" thing that rubs me wrong.
I have my 3 mo check-up next week. I had bloodwork done last week (last Wednesday I believe), which was a large amount of blood (6 vials I think for about 8 tests?), but my wee deep veins cooperated. Hopefully that will be at the doctor's office in time. I have my referral, which I requested awhile ago knowing that my regular doctor's office is wonky with those kinds of things. It's only good through the end of the year, though, so if I have the same insurance 3 months after this next appt, then I will need another referral. But we'll see, we'll see. I also stop taking my Omeprazole (Prilosec) soon, so we'll see how my body takes to that. I'm concerned, but hopefully I don't need to be.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Camping wrap-up and some turns for the worst
I had an excellent time camping. I ate a lot of nuts and granola, with some meats thrown in around dinner time, though turkey lunch meat was pretty prevalent as well. We did a ton of walking, but ended up a bit dehydrated. Thankfully it wasn't to the point where I passed out, but I still got a good amount of headaches. (Also, it was super cold at night, and we were not prepared for that at all.)
I have been kind of eating "weirdly" lately - the food I eat throughout the day seems totally random, and I'm more having a bunch of small meals instead of just one big lunch or the like. Dinners are the only things that are "normal" - usually just some sort of meat.
Lately, though, I have been dumping a few times - maybe three times in the past two weeks. The worst is when I'm at work and having it, because there's only one ladies toilet. There aren't a lot of women, but if there is one in there (and one of the girls tends to take a long time), I have to wait. When you're in fear of messily shitting yourself, it's nerve-wracking to say the least. In most cases, I can more or less pinpoint food that made me dump. However, today it's pretty much random. There's nothing I had today that was out of the ordinary - pumpkin granola and red grapes. (That's all I've had so far today.) I've been eating the pumpkin granola for a little while, so it's not new to my stomach. I just don't know what did it. Anyway, I'm hungry now, but too scared to eat anything lest I perpetrate the cycle.
I've noticed my hair thinning lately, though it's not oily at least. (I have been only using shampoo, though.) My skin is clear more or less, and my nails are good (so the biotin's struggling as best it can).
I think one of the best things about camping was that I really was able to unplug, go off the grid (left my cell phone off except for directions/gps-ing and looking up recipes for the supper we prepared for the Saturday Moon Service), etc. It was incredibly cathartic for me. I have been less angry, less frustrated, and less stressed. Some things still hit those buttons, but not with the ferocity that they used to. There is a calmness that is attainable now, and I try to focus on that every day now. I know there's a corner of my heart and mind that holds a gentle peace - I just have to poke it every once in awhile to let it light up the rest.
I have been kind of eating "weirdly" lately - the food I eat throughout the day seems totally random, and I'm more having a bunch of small meals instead of just one big lunch or the like. Dinners are the only things that are "normal" - usually just some sort of meat.
Lately, though, I have been dumping a few times - maybe three times in the past two weeks. The worst is when I'm at work and having it, because there's only one ladies toilet. There aren't a lot of women, but if there is one in there (and one of the girls tends to take a long time), I have to wait. When you're in fear of messily shitting yourself, it's nerve-wracking to say the least. In most cases, I can more or less pinpoint food that made me dump. However, today it's pretty much random. There's nothing I had today that was out of the ordinary - pumpkin granola and red grapes. (That's all I've had so far today.) I've been eating the pumpkin granola for a little while, so it's not new to my stomach. I just don't know what did it. Anyway, I'm hungry now, but too scared to eat anything lest I perpetrate the cycle.
I've noticed my hair thinning lately, though it's not oily at least. (I have been only using shampoo, though.) My skin is clear more or less, and my nails are good (so the biotin's struggling as best it can).
I think one of the best things about camping was that I really was able to unplug, go off the grid (left my cell phone off except for directions/gps-ing and looking up recipes for the supper we prepared for the Saturday Moon Service), etc. It was incredibly cathartic for me. I have been less angry, less frustrated, and less stressed. Some things still hit those buttons, but not with the ferocity that they used to. There is a calmness that is attainable now, and I try to focus on that every day now. I know there's a corner of my heart and mind that holds a gentle peace - I just have to poke it every once in awhile to let it light up the rest.
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