Ch-Ch-Changes

So, over the past few weeks or so, my body has been going through an absurd amount of changes. My hormones are completely unbalanced. The chemistry in my brain is unbalanced. A month ago, my cycle was 100% different than normal, so bad that I called my gynecologist to come in. She said it would probably pass, but I could come in if I wanted to. I ended up not, because it had started to taper off the next day.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I started to get really bad acne, and my hair got incredibly oily - so bad that as soon as I would wash my hair with just shampoo, it would still be oily. I was investigating ways to dry out my hair, anti-oily shampoo. (Sadly, the options are pretty limited if you don't want to break the bank.) I also found myself pretty consistently hungry.

After a week-ish, it passed. What?! Now just mental/brain chemistry imbalances - I've been pretty depressed lately, and increasingly so, but my mania has been also complicating things. So me being manic and depressive at the same time is becoming a more frequent occurrence. I don't know if it's that my body isn't processing the chemicals in my medications well or what. I'm seeing my psychologist later this week, so it will be something I will want to talk to her about. It seems odd that we would have to up the dosage, when there's less ground to cover, in theory. But this could be just another hypochondriac moment of "wtf is going on, haaalllpppp."

I think the reason I'm becoming increasingly depressed is that I feel that I'm having to fight an uphill battle just to keep my body from falling apart. I need to struggle every day to get in the protein and liquids that I need to get, and generally am not making the cut, so I need to fight even harder than I have been. I'm kind of plateau-ing a bit when it comes to my weight, though I think the inches are coming off. (A lot of my clothing is starting to be absurdly loose on me, which is nice, except for when I can't afford anything.) That's a positive, but still discouraging a bit that the scale doesn't move much in two weeks. And in addition to all this, something new and absurd is happening to my body almost every week. My hair is starting to thin, so I'm fairly certain that no amount of biotin I take - supplements and biotin shampoo - are going to help me save my hair. So I guess I'll start shopping for wigs, which aren't too hard to find in my area. Also, money is an incredibly serious issue for me right now, and I applied for a personal loan to try and consolidate my debt and improve my credit, but was denied. Well, lovely - how am I ever supposed to get out of this hole, short of getting an amazing job and/or winning the lottery? The job thing is ridiculously unlikely, since I tried so hard for so long to get a job and just couldn't win. So it feels like an hopeless situation, definitely.

Dave and I are going camping soon, which is the only thing I'm excited for. It's the only thing that keeps me barely afloat, because it's something to hope for. Everything else...it's just going through the motions. Work, eating, doing other things - I have to drag myself to do them, and only because I absolutely have to. I've been shunning almost all social interaction. Just don't want to do anything at all. I know it's a big sign of depression - I've seen it in myself and others before. So I'm really concerned about my body processing the medications I take, since I've been on the same dosage for the anti-depressant for I can't even remember how long - probably over a year. So, we'll see. I'm tired of having to change things up constantly.

I just want things to kind of normalize. The further out I get from the surgery, the more trouble I seem to be running into. :(